Alfred Gump

[Bruce the Duck]

One day last year while my kids were working on some project (I forget what) I played the Avril Lavigne CD in the background. One of the boys said, "I never thought I'd have a teacher that liked rock and roll music."

[Bruce the Duck]

Here's what the critics have said about "Alfred Gump":

I especially like how you not only worked in every song on every CD, but did so in order they appear and still made the story make sense from paragraph to paragraph. There were a few lines that made reference to inside jokes that really made me laugh out loud (e.g. but not Weezer, they suck). I really liked how in the early chapters you'd have Gump doing something (like having his Pearl Jam CDs stolen) then a few chapters later, you work it in to the story.

This is a great story. It must have taken a while to write. Some of the references probably would be lost for non-Al fans, but any Al fan would really enjoy it.

Very nice, Bruce, very nice! I also like the way you did stuff that wasn't important until way later in the story. So it's not finished, huh? Hmm. Now I have even more reason to be excited when the next album is announced!

Absolutely hilarious! *bows in humility to someone who can write like that* Bring on Chapter 15!

oh and this is one of the greatest novels of all time.If I ever make it in the film industry this movie needs to be made and you should write the screenplay.GREAT JOB!!

QUOTE (Winston Groom (author of Forrest Gump))  Wow!  Your story is even better than mine!  Thanks a lot, YOU JERK!!! :mad: 
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QUOTE (Tom Hanks (star of Forrest Gump)) Screw Steven Speilberg!  I want to make THIS movie!
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QUOTE (Robert Zemekis (director of Forrest Gump)) And I'll direct!
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I'm a little piggy, here's my snout.  Oink oink oink!  Oink oink oink!

[Bruce the Duck]

BTW, Chapter 15......

[Bruce the Duck]

....is coming.....

[Bruce the Duck]

....sooner than you thought!!!

[Bruce the Duck]

Coming VERY soon ..........Chapter 15: A Very Rare Experience

[Bruce the Duck]

Chapter 15
A Very Rare Experience

Yessir! It seemed as if I had stood there for a month, just starin like a idiot. I couldint believe my own eyes! Now, I don’t know if you’ve ever had one of them experiences when your whole life flashes in front of your eyes, but this was one of them for me. I remembered the football playin, the war, the time I was a ping pong champion, the shrimpin bidness, Jurassic Park, the wafflin bidness, all the time I saved the world, an ever thing else! It was good to have a bit of comic relief just then, because I knew that after what I just saw, we was about to have a load of grief to deal with. One thing I notice while all this stuff is circlin round my head is that ever thing that has happened in my life has been like a great big, sick pattern. Ever time I meet a woman an fall in love, she goes an leaves me! Just like Jenny an Lisa an Amy an Melanie an Meagan. But Lisa, she always came back to me after a while, that is until we found out we was cousins! Anyway, I’m standin there like a idiot, rememberin all those things that happened to me, when I suddenly remember one of the best days of my life; the day I met Lisa Popeil.

Now, I know I tole you I met her on that smelly ole bus, but there’s much more to it than that! It all startid bout the time that ever one was suin me for showin Ricky Ricardo my snot, an callin the Prince and Princess names, an messin up the airplane with my Rocky Road ice cream, an stealing plumbin supplies. Well, after they all sued me I was flat broke, like I tole you, so I just spent most of my time sittin round my house feelin real stupid an havin the blues. I dint go out of the house much and I spent my Friday nights just watchin Star Trek an playin Pacman at the local arcade. I guess you could say I was a nerd for watchin Star Trek all the time, but I was just so depressed. I was so sad an broke, I dint even eat much food. For breakfast, I had Cheerios. For lunch, I had Apple Jacks. An then for dinner, I had Cheerios again, on account of that’s all I could afford to buy; Cheerios, Apple Jacks, an Cheerios.

So there I was, left all alone with no way of gettin round again. Yessir, I was real lonely. It had been a long time since I had last seen Jenny Curran, an my empty Coke Cola bottle was lookin mighty good to me. I was thinkin bout startin a orgy on my own with that bottle, but then I remembered what Leutenint Dan once said. He said, I may not have my legs, but as long as I have my little friend, I’m still a man!” I was thinkin Leutenint Dan is right, so I left the bottle alone.

The next day was laundry day. So I grabbed my laundry basket an got on the bus to go to the laundrymat. That’s when it happened. I was sittin there on that smelly bus thinkin that I would have to wash my clothes twice on account of them gettin extra stinky from all these smelly people on the bus. I was thinkin that I don’t think these people ever take their showers, when I saw the most beautiful women I has ever seen before. It was Lisa Frump. Of course, I immediately fell in love with her, on account of I dint know she was my cousin at the time. I startid talkin to her but she dint seem like she was interested in me too much.

All of suddin, while we was drivin, the bus stopped movin. The bus drive tole us that the bus had broke down on account of the battery bein dead an we was goin to haf to walk. I could see that Lisa was upset, so I stood up an said, “I can repair the bus for you!” I learned how to repair stuff when I was fightin in Vietnam. I would all the time haf to fix Jeeps an planes an cars an stuff. So, I went outside an fixed the bus an pretty soon we was off! I think Lisa was real impressed on account of she startid talkin to me. When we got to the laundrymat, I aksed Lisa if I could take her out on a date, an do you believe it? She actually said yes!

The next day, I was real excited on account of I hadn’t gone on a date since Jenny! I spent all day gettin ready for the date. First I made reservations at my favorite restaurant. After that, I bought two tickets to see Lisa’s favorite singer, Billy Joel, in concert. Then, I went to the barber shop, but the barber must have been blind of somethin cause he gave me a really lousy haircut. After that, I went to the store an bought the nicest leisure suit I could find. Then, I went to the lot where they was keeping my car an I paid for the insurance with some money that I forgot I had left over from the shrimpin bidness. I called Dan to tell him the good news, an he says I should be very careful and I should do what she says or she won’t want to go out with me again. So that’s what I decided I’d do.

At bout five o’clock I pulled up to Lisa’s house in my 1964 Plymouth Belvedere. She got in an we drove over to the restaurant. When we pulled up to Burger King, Lisa said, “You made reservations here?”

I said, “Yup! It’s my favorite restaurant.”

“I don’t want to eat here,” says Lisa.

So I says, “How about Taco Bell or Kentucky Fried Chicken or Wendy’s?”

An she says, “No thank you! I don’t want to eat fast food!” Well, I remember what Leutenint Dan said, so I aksed her if she wants to call Pizza Quick an get some pizza delivered to my house. She says no, then she says she knows a perfect, romantic restaurant that we can go to. She says, “Take me down to San Luis Obispo, California and I’ll show you a great restaurant!”

So, we go down to SLO Town and come to this restaurant called “Bernie’s Deli.” On the sign for the restaurant, it says “Today’s Specials: Liver Patte, Corned Beef, and Chicken Pot Pie.” Except, it looks like they ran out of “Ls” on account of the first specials said, “iver Patte.” I was thinking that it was disgusting that she took me to a liver restaurant, but I again remembered what Dan said, so I kept my mouth shut.

Our waiter looked like that Hammond guy from Jurassic Park, except he was speakin some screwed up language that sounded like Japaneese to me. First, he brought us an appetizer of corn chips with this green crap. He said it was guacamoley, but it looked to me like a bowl of snot! I wasn’t so disgusted since the days of playin college football an havin to eat the food in the school cafeteria. But this stuff looked even worse! When I looked at the menu, I finally understood why Lisa wanted to come to this restaurant. They served lunch all the time. An they had a whole lot of different lunches here. They even served breakfast all day too! I ordered some eggs and ham, but when the Japaneese guy brought them out, they looked all green an moldy, so I aksed him to bring me somethin else, like a steak.

Well, I sure was hungry! After eatin Cheerios an Apple Jacks all the time, this was the first real meal I had in a long time. After I finished my first steak, I ordered another one, and then a third after that! I was still hungry, so Lisa an I decided to order a pizza, too. I ordered a pizza with onions, peppers, mushrooms, an cheese. The waiter said, “Don’t forget about the meat! What kind of meat do you want?”

And would you believe it? Lisa said, “Do you have any Spam?” Now, if I would’ve known how great Spam was back then, I would have wanted some too! But my Spam addiction dint start till much later. But you know bout that already.

The waiter, he says they ain’t got no Spam, but that they do got the beef. So that’s what we get. It looked a little moldy and green when we got it, but I was so hungry, I ate it anyway. Now, let me say this. I have eaten all kinds of pizza in my life, but I ain’t never had any pizza that tasted so good! It was so good that I ordered another one! And I was still hungry after that! If I could have, I would have stayed there snackin all night long, but we couldn’t on account of the Billy Joel concert was startin soon. For dessert, we had some prune pudding. It tasted like crap and even worse, it made me haf to use the bathroom the rest of the night! I was feelin like crap cause of all the moldy pizza an prunes an steak an guacamoly snot. Lisa dint feel too good neither. She startid burpin in the car an she couldn’t stop all the way to the concert. I thought bout callin the doctor, but instead I just stopped at the store and got some Pepto Bismol for both of us.

Anyhow, here we is at the Billy Joel concert. It’s what I been waitin for all night. Me an Lisa an some beautiful music. After waiting in line for a half hour, an listnin to Lisa burpin the whole time, we finally got to go inside. And then, Mr. Billy Joel hisself came out an startid playin his music. At first I really liked the music. But after a while, all the songs startid to soun the same. It was gettin really nauseatin an it made my stomach act up again. Here he is playin all these songs bout how he’s so great an how we never seen anyone as wonderful as him. What a load of crap!

Well, that’s when it happened! Billy Joel is playin this stupid song bout Piano Man, which I am thinkin is a pretty stupid name for a superhero, Lisa is burpin away, an my stomach is spinnin from all the crap we ate for dinner. Then, Lisa is lookin at me an she says, “You light up my life, Forrest.” Then she lets out another big belch an that’s the last straw! I am gettin so sick that I just throw up right there in the crowd, all over Lisa.

Well, everbody starts screamin an the music stops. Then, Mr. Billy Joel hisself says to me, “Boy, are you alright? Have you been drinking too much?”

An I said, “No, sir. I am just throwin up on account of your music.”

Well, he just looked at me for a while, then he just said, “Bite me!” an went backstage. The next thing I know, I am gettin hauled out by security an all these angry Billy Joel fans is chasin me through the parkin lot, tearin my clothes. Then, they start throwin rocks at me! I am runnin to git to my car, an a big ole rock comes an hits me right in the head. Finally, I git to my car, but when I try to start it, the battery is dead. I ain’t got no tools with me an I don’t think the mob at the Billy Joel concert will help me, so I just start runnin back home.

About six hours later, I walked into the hospital an was standin there waitin for somebody to help me. Now, Mama always said, “Life is like a chocolate candy bar. Sometimes you feel like a nut an sometimes you don’t.” Well, standin there with my clothes all torn up, throw up all down my shirt, an a big ole lump on my head from where the rock hit me, I felt like a nut! A nurse came an led me into a room. They gave me a psychiatric evaluation an said I was crazy. But I couldn’t care less, cause now I git free food an free shelter an I don’t haf to worry bout payin my stupid car insurance. And also, I am pleased as punch on account of I have met my new best friend in the hospital: Lisa’s dad, Mr. Frump! Well, you know the rest of that story, so I don’t need to tell you any more bout that.

Yessir, my life is just a pattern of mess ups and disasters most of the time. But now, here I am livin with Leutenint Dan an Bob an Lisa an Forrest 2 an good ole Wanda in France. Everything was perfect. And now, this happens! Just as I was finishin relivin my live, Lisa came outside. She said, “What’s the matter, Forrest? Why haven’t you brought the paper in?”

An I pointed an said, “Look!” Well, Lisa just stood there, starin like a idiot just like me. She couldn’t believe it either!
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Coming some day in the distant future......Chapter 16: Yet to be titled

[Bruce the Duck]

AUTHOR’S NOTE: In case you couldn’t tell from the title, this chapter is a departure from the regular story. Rather than following the songs on each album, this chapter uses elements from as many of Al’s rare and unreleased songs as I could think of. Since his unreleased songs span his entire career, it was impossible and wouldn’t make much sense to hit each song in chronological order as I have done with all the other albums. So, instead, I took some creative licsense and decided to use all of the songs in whatever order made the most sense to me, and to put them into a flashback chapter. Hopefully, it worked!

In total, I have included references to 41 rare and unreleased songs from concerts, medleys, tapes sent in to Dr. Demento, and a few other sources. Some references are extremely obscure, while others are very obvious. See how many you can find!

I hope you liked my story, and please post comments below! Thanks! :biggrin:

[Bruce the Duck]

Did anyone read my new chapter?

[Elvis]

Did anyone read my new chapter?

I did.

Dave