There have been a lot of tragic celebrity deaths lately, and I've seen enough of them to notice a distressing trend every time a famous person drops dead, you never see or hear anyone grieving about it until AFTER the death! I mean, come on, what the hell are you people waiting for? Are you all too good to do a little PRE-grieving now and then? Are you REALLY too greedy and self-absorbed to mourn a dead celebrity who isn't dead yet? For shame.
Anyway, in an effort to reverse all this, I'd like to inform you of an upcoming celebrity death, so that your mother may commence her projectile waterworks ahead of time, and get a head start on the rest of her jealous world.
Tomorrow, on Saturday, August 16, 2008, Madonna will die.
Cause of death: her own 50th birthday.
As we all know, once a sub-mental exhibitionist tart Madonna, for instance has existed on the universe for an entire half of a freaking century, she will reach an age typified not by promiscuous sex, youthfully soulless music and vague eastern mysticism, but by hair in the ears, AARP membership and an inability to continue giving birth to the NEXT generation of sub-mental exhibitionist tarts. And once she loses these foundations of her entire life, she will cease to have life whatsoever. Nobody will want her, nobody will look at her, and nobody will feel her, and she will, by all accounts, die.
So while we grieve for the loss of Madonna, who was truly a preeminent Whatever The Hell Her Job Was, let us look back at the way "Weird Al" Yankovic (a sweet super-mental who's been photographed fully-clothed now and then, and will therefore turn fifty next year and NOT die) has mocked her over the years. Everyone knows about "Like A Surgeon" of course, and about his 1996 interview with her where she stares at the ceiling for two days, but strangely enough that interview WASN'T their first meeting. Al's VERY first interview with the Material Virgin was in 1985, during AL-TV #3:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yZunyPYQRpM
On the next AL-TV special, in 1987, Al was kind enough to narrate her profoundly disturbing "Open Your Heart" video:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nMptPPKHoPs
And in 1996, once again on AL-TV, Al announced an exciting new Madonna-related contest which, bizarrely enough, is STILL GOING ON!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ytd5KMZPCb8
Farewell, Madonna. We knew ye too damn much.
