From:
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To: 2 Billion Loser Friends (
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[email protected],
[email protected],
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[email protected],
[email protected] [email protected],
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[email protected],
[email protected],
[email protected],
[email protected],
[email protected])
Subject: Stinky Cheese
Good evening,
My name is Sy Greenblum and I would like to share with you my secret. You see, people don’t usually guess from looking at me, but well, I have not always been this lucky with the ladies.
Then one day, that all changed.
My good friend Harvey told me about these amazing
BURLovR Pills. Just pop one a day, and before long you will transform from a poor little anorexic, co-dependent, bingo addict, who at the mere sight of a woman can’t decide whether he wants to practice neurosurgery or see The CareBears Movie, to a strong man, who feels so confident in his love life that he will dump a woman over things so insignificant as saying “infer” instead of “imply!”
Take me, for instance. Before I started taking Lovr Pills, I was a lowly skipper working on the Jungle Cruise Ride at Disneyland. I was half undressed, eating chips off my chest. I was nothing but a low down, sniveling, groveling, worthless hunk of slime! Sure I'm stuck in this office job, climbing up, up the corporate ladder, but now I trip over the women piled up at my feet. I'm the steaming hunk of love that every woman wants a piece of.
This is the life, and it can be yours!
Now you may be asking, what can these pills do for
ME?
There will be women lined up outside your door, who've been waiting there since the week before!
Never will you ever have to use the self-service pumps again!
Women's love for you will be like diarrhea; they just won't be able to hold it in!
Never again will you have to settle for a woman who’s just good enough for now!
Women will go so crazy for you that they will tattoo your name across their foreheads, and if you ever turn them down they’ll literally cry their eyes out!
Your kisses will reconfigure their DNA and after that they'll never be the same!
Women will beg you to let them be your hog. They'll scream, "Baby, baby, baby, baby, baby, baby, baby, baby!!”
You’ll be such a good dancer, that you’ll attract your own teenybopper fan club!
Is one of that girl's earlobes just a tiny little bit too big? Well, forget about her! With these pills, you'll be able to find yourself a lady with a face that's real symmetrical and whose nostrils are so nice!
If you still aren’t quite convinced, just take this direct quote from George Carlin: “I use LOVR Pills every night before bed. It always helps the women I’m with to shout out the Seven Words You Can’t Say On Television!”
Thank you for your time, good friend! I really hope that you take me up on my offer, because frankly, a person as pitiful as you who’s never even had a non-inflatable date could really use these pills!
Oh yeah, and one other thing: a curse has been put on this e-mail chain, and unless you want your mother to be killed in her sleep by an evil half-man, half-flesh-crazed weasel, forward my message on to every single person you know, so hit send right now!
So remember, ask your doctor (or surgeon) about BUrLovR today. It's completely risk-free!
*
Your close, personal friend,
Sy
*Warning: possible side effects made include, but are not limited to canned laughter, solid mucus, rocky road addiction, Buckingham Blues, a pinch to grow an inch, car dragging, bologna addiction, late payments, mellowness, death, narcissism, emphysema, 3D vision, loss of appetite, bust line growth, hair of gold, a t-shirt with the alligator on, polkas on 45, sticky scalp, suede monarchism, great dancing skills, meat chopping, homicidal mania, stupidity, complications, spitting on a fish, barking up a, tree, urge to migrate, getting down, smelling fowl, broken heart, wrinkles, greenness, speaking in tongues, jungle fever, death ray eyes, slimy lizard skin, an evil looking grin, need of a manicure, fungus covered hands, eyes like some kind of bug, midday cravings, unwise spending habits, news and weather from Peru, hooked on polkas, incomplete hernia, epigastria hernia, bladder hernia, lumbar hernia, Richter's hernia, obstructed hernia, inguinal hernia, direct hernia, ruptures, private parking spaces, potato addiction, one of those days, Ed McMahon worship, wearing those shoes, toothlessness, averageness, mutation, radiation poisoning, massive weight gain, strange dreams, repetition, repetition, repetition, repetition, repetition, repetition, building a model of the Eiffel Tower out of Belgian waffles, involuntary cloning, craving Italian food, stalker tendencies, divorce, Elvis worship, knot tying, sociopathic tendencies, money for nothing, swimming pools, movie stars, sequelitis, growing 40,000 times your original size, Isle Thing, hot rocks, public access television addiction, being somebody's hog, crazy driving, chemical imbalances, liking spatulas so much that you buy the company, fun zoning, Spam in the place where you live, winding 21,140 pounds of string, going off the deep end, mumbling, screaming, not knowing what you're singing, marble mouth, trigger happiness, television snobbery, polkaing your eyes out, kidding, pancreatic shock, Oreo addiction, nostalgia, Mexican food addiction, frequent flyer miles, forgetting the plumber, not loving someone any more, 10 minutes of silence, biting me, shutting the fence off in the rain, youth, dumbness, ugliness, caveman stubble, 90,000 watts of Dolby sound, playing Achy Breaky Heart by Billy Ray Cyrus, traffic jams, dating Siamese twins, anorexia, co-dependence, bingo addiction, chin loss, dysentery, miming, biting, squealing, running around on a hamster wheel, fantastic waffles, bad hair days, churning butter once or twice, prosthetic lips, impacted molars, twelve cavities, calling in sick, sticking your hand inside a blender and turning it on, running, telling a joke and forgetting the punch line, syndication, remembering Larry, crank phone calls, insanity, running with scissors, increased midi-chlorian count, love of Eddie Vedder, Doing that Hebrew thing, making a mighty fine jelly-bean and pickle sandwich, watching Jerry Springer, obsessive compulsive disorder, polka power, doing a bunch of stuff, explosive flatulence, wasting time with all the chatroom yakkers, downloading pictures of Sarah Michelle Gellar, driving a truck, dieting, joining the Columbia Record Club, sauerkraut aversion, watching all the TV you ever wanted, brain turning to much, an exploding head just like Scanners, looking at all that stuff, wanting to throw up, throwing up, leprosy, Yugoslavian hands, constipation, incest, decapitation, selfishness, powers of a spider, speaking in palindromes, great feedback, popularity in France, pimped out MySpace pages, fluency in JavaScript, fluency in Klingon, editing Wikipedia, leaving home without your pancreas, leaving the house without packing heat, treating curling like it's a real sport, litigiousness, computer viruses, confessions, weasel stomping, owning Joe Dirt on DVD, forgetting the onions, downloading music illegally, suffering from delusions of adequacy, performing this way, disrespecting Charles Nelson Reilley, minor celebrity, being a crappy team for Weird Al Survivor, polka face, ordering a soy-bean decaf hazelnut latte, water-boarding, buying a crappy ringtone, tattoo accumulation, love, spastic bladder, liposuction, forwarding emails like this one and a mild rash.
RobinMD