The Biggest Ball Of Twine In Minnesota

Here you can show your graphics skills or any program made of Weird Al.

Moderator: Moderators

Post Reply
User avatar
Bruce the Duck
Deliriously Dedicated
Posts: 25029
Joined: Sat Apr 26, 2003 3:49 am
Location: Here

Post by Bruce the Duck »

The Biggest Ball of Twine in Minnesota: The Complete Story

Story inspired by “The Biggest Ball of Twine in Minnesota” by “Weird Al” Yankovic

Concept by Al Yankovic and AL look ALike

Story and Original Aspects by Bruce the Duck

Cast:

Al Yankovic as Bob Hansen
Lisa Kudrow as Kathy Hansen
Amanda Bynes as Becky Hansen
Erik Per Sullivan as Joey Hansen
Orlando Jones as Francis A. Johnson
Dick Van Patten as Bernie
Christopher Walken as Artemis Sleezelton
Cheech Marin as Enrico
Bernie Mac as Francis B. Johnson

With Special Cameo Appearances by:

Michael Richards as Gas Station Attendant
Annie Potts as Janine
Nicole Sullivan as Gift Shop Clerk #1
Victoria Jackson as Gift Shop Clerk #2
Brad Garret as Head Security Guard
Kevin McCarthy as Harvey Sleezelton
Kathy Bates as Mrs. Flemming
David Bowe as Fred
John Goodman as Big Roy
Whoppi Goldberg as Grandma Hansen
Chevy Chase and Beverly D’Angelo as The Griswolds

Hippie Rock Band:

Jay Levey as Sam
Jon Schwartz as Joe
Steve Jay as Pete
Jim West as Clyde
Ruben Valtierra as Sally

And also starring Bella the Poodle as Herself
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Coming soon.....Chapter 1
User avatar
Bruce the Duck
Deliriously Dedicated
Posts: 25029
Joined: Sat Apr 26, 2003 3:49 am
Location: Here

Post by Bruce the Duck »

Chapter 1
Francis Johnson


“Francis!” she called.

Ignoring the sound, he fumbled through the closet. He knew it was in here somewhere, but couldn’t find it. After a few minutes wasted, he closed the closet and shut the light. Walking back towards his project, he noticed the drawer on his workbench. He didn’t think it was in there, but thought, what the heck, and popped it open. There, among all the clutter was his tape measure. He took it out and held it in his fist.

He had been working for nearly four hours already, and he was nearly done for the day. But he wanted to see how far he had come. He picked a random spot on the massive ball and tucked the end of his tape measure under a string. Then, he proceeded to pull the metal case around the ball, but halfway along, the end of the tape measure fell. Slightly annoyed, he tucked it back under the string, this time securing some scotch tape to keep it in place. Again, he pulled the case around the ball, but when he was near the end, the tape measure stopped and refused to be pulled any further. He checked measurement. 10 feet. Surely this tape measure was longer than that, he thought. Suddenly, he heard a snapping sound and a moment later the entire length of the tape measure sunk back into the metal case, the end hesitating for just long enough to swing back and smack him in the lip. “Damn!” he shouted.

Third time’s the charm, he thought, as he taped the tape measure back into place again. He wrapped it around the ball and reached the end.

“Francis!” The shrill sound made him drop the tape measure and the box retreated all the way back around the ball.

“Francis!” she called a third time. Ignoring her as always, Francis picked up the tape measure, wrapped it around the ball, and looked at the measurement. The circumference was just over 12 feet. About 4 feet tall, the ball stood there, mocking the soccer ball, which sat in the corner of the workshop. Francis had spent four hours every day for the past week building this ball. But he was nowhere near finishing. Twelve feet was child’s play. He was going for a record. He would not stop until he had created the largest ball anyone had ever seen.

The door burst open. “Francis!” A tall, slender woman stood in the doorway, a cooking apron slung around her shoulder. She looked at the ball with a look of annoyance. “Would you please quit playing with your string and come in? It’s nearly supper time!” With one final glance at the ball, Belinda turned and went back into the house. Francis sighed. His wife had never understood how much the ball meant to him. She scoffed his obsession, calling it “play.” How dare she belittle such an important achievement? She just didn’t understand.

Francis grabbed the spool of thread. Not much remained. He would have to go to the general store tomorrow to pick up some more. He longingly thought about the next day. Four glorious hours working on his twine ball. How big would it be at the end of tomorrow? Next week? Next year? How long could he build this twine ball before getting tired of it? Standing there, with his spool in his hand, Francis Johnson felt as if he would never get tired of working on his twine ball. After all, he was creating what would someday be the biggest ball of twine in Minnesota.

He set the spool down on the workbench, covered the twine ball with a tarp, shut the lights out, and headed in for supper.

“Goodnight, twine ball! See you tomorrow,” he said softly.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Like it? Hate it? Have questions about it? Post comments here! 8)
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Coming soon.......Chapter 2: I Think I'm A Clone Now
User avatar
Bruce the Duck
Deliriously Dedicated
Posts: 25029
Joined: Sat Apr 26, 2003 3:49 am
Location: Here

Post by Bruce the Duck »

Chapter 2
I Think I'm A Clone Now


The thread felt different than anything he had felt before. If anyone on the planet knew about string, it was he, but this was just plain weird. At first glance it appeared perfectly normal, but when he touched it, it felt gooey and wet, almost like webbing, but different. He tried pulling it apart, but with no luck. This stuff was strong. He even managed to get a hold of a piece of glass from the broken window. He tried slicing the thread with his free fingers, but he couldn’t make a dent in it. “What gives?”

“So, you like my new creation, do you?” came a booming voice from through the big black doors.

“Who…”

“What? You don’t recognize me? And I thought we had grown so close!” said the voice, sarcastically. He stepped into the light.

“What? But I thought…”

“You thought what? That you killed me? Yes, yes, I know. I guess cats aren’t the only ones with nine lives.”

“How did you do it?”

“I don’t see how that matters now. All that truly matters is that I am back. And you are going to pay for what you did to me, Peter!”

Peter struggled with the thread, but couldn’t budge. He was wrapped so tightly; all he could do was wiggle his fingers.

“You may as well give up, Peter. That thread is so strong, even Superman himself couldn’t break it! You’re probably wondering how I made it, right? Well, that I can tell you.” He stood there, smiling. Peter felt angry, but there was nothing he could do. He would have to sit there and listen, while this villain bragged about his latest achievement in villainy. Why did they always have to do this, he wondered. Why couldn’t they just do what they were going to do and be done with it? But at least it gave Peter plenty of time to think of what to do. While, the Green Goblin was explaining how he analyzed Peter’s own webbing and used it to create his own formula for super-strength artificial webbing, Peter was planning his escape.

“So you see, Spider-man, there will be no escape for you this time!” he laughed. “Of course, you will be freed eventually, you see. But by that time, all of the police in New York will be looking for you.

“What have you done?” Spider-man asked.

“Oh, it’s not what I’ve done, it’s what you have done, Peter! Allow me to introduce someone.” A moment later a man walked into the room dressed in a perfect replica of Spider-man’s suit. He took off his mask to reveal a face exactly like Peter’s. “This is a clone that I have made of you, Spider-man. While you sit here, tied up, your double here will be wreaking all kinds of hell through the city. Then, after I hide him away, I’ll release you and the rest will be up to the police. Of course, you’re probably thinking that you can escape as Peter Parker. Wrong again, Spidey! You see this disk?” He held in his hand a plastic computer disk. “This disk contains video evidence that you are none other than the eight-legged wonder himself! And as soon as I deliver it to the police, you’re as good as toast!” With that he let out a sinister, evil laugh that filled the room and echoed down the corridor outside Jameson’s office. “Oh, and I should mention that if you should find a way to escape my web, you shouldn’t try to stop us. I’ve given you a shot of a chemical powerful enough to diminish all of your pathetic superhuman powers for a very long time.”

The Green Goblin lifted Peter off the floor and carried him over to the window. “Here. You should be able to see the whole show from here!” And with a final laugh, the Goblin and the Spider-man clone had left the room. A few minutes later, the door burst open.

“Well, here you are!”

“Mr. Jameson! Thank goodness! You have to free me! Quick!” said Spider-man.

“How dim do you think I am, you spider freak? You just locked me in my own closet and you think I’m going to help you? I’m calling the police!” Mr. Jameson said. At that very moment, loud screams erupted from the street below. Jameson and Peter looked down to see the fake Spider-man standing on a woman’s car hood, smashing the glass in and grabbing the woman by the neck. “What the…”

“That’s a fake! It’s a fake Spider-man created by the Green Goblin to destroy my reputation!” explained Parker.

“I don’t give a damn about your reputation! I hope they lock you both up!” shouted Jameson.

“But what about that woman? And all those other people down there? Do you really want them to get hurt?”

“Well, no…”

“Then you have to do something!”

“Fine!” Jameson started tearing the web, but it was no use. “How the hell do you break this stuff?”

“There’s no time!” said Spider-man, “You have to do something!”

“What do you mean, me?” Jameson said. Then he looked out the window again. Chaos and havoc all through the street. The police chasing in vain after the clone Spider-man.

“You,” said Spider-man.

“Me?”

“Find out how it ends in next month’s issue of “The Incredible Spider-Man!” Joey read. “Wow! That was great! I can’t wait for the next issue!”

“Jeez, Joey, you’ve read that issue like four times already. Aren’t you tired of it yet?” said Joey’s friend, Brian. The end of lunch bell rang.

“No way, dude! I could read this a million times! I just want to read the next one now! It’s only been two weeks since this one came out, but it feels like it’s been four years!” Joey grabbed the comic book along with his school things; his homework binder, his “Advanced 6th Grade Math, 12th Edition” book, his “The World Around Us” science book, and his notebook and started walking with Brian back to class.

“I wonder how it’ll end? Do you think Jameson will be the hero, or what?” Brian said.

“It seems pretty weird, but it might be cool! I don’t know. Two weeks to go!” Joey said as the strolled into math class.

“You guys are still reading those stupid Spider-Man comics?” laughed Dex, “What a bunch of nerds!”

“Hey, dude, Spider-Man comics are cool!” said Brian.

“Awe, don’t listen to him, Brian! I just love that they brought back the Goblin! He’s the best villain ever!”

“Ha! I’ve seen cooler villains watching the Teletubbies!” laughed Dex again.

“Yeah, you probably DO watch the Teletubbies!” called Brian. “And besides, he the Green Goblin is awesome! You won’t ever see a meaner villain anywhere in fiction or in real life!”

Joey Hansen agreed, but of course, this was well before he had met Artemis Sleezelton.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Like it? Hate it? Have questions about it? Post comments here! 8)
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Coming soon.......Chapter 3: Artemis Sleezelton
User avatar
Bruce the Duck
Deliriously Dedicated
Posts: 25029
Joined: Sat Apr 26, 2003 3:49 am
Location: Here

Post by Bruce the Duck »

Chapter 3
Artemis Sleezelton


The minute hand on the wall clock clicked slowly past the nine, while the hour hand sat like a lazy sloth hanging from a tree, refusing to move any closer to the five. There were still fifteen minutes until the workday officially ended. Janine sat there, impatiently, dragging the seven of hearts on top of the eight of spades. This is how she had finished each workday for the past week. After filing paperwork and tracking accounts, she relaxed with a game of solitaire on the computer. As she contemplated her next move, she never worried about being caught slacking off on the job. For the whole two weeks that she had been employed at SleezCo, she had yet to even see her boss. She was hired by the boss’s assistant, and had rarely even seen him. As Janine watched the minute hand move slightly closer to the ten, she wondered how long it would be before she met Mr. Sleezelton, founder and president of SleezCo. She was excited at the prospect of meeting him. She imagined it would be quite easy for her to get in good with the boss and move up the corporate ladder. Her plan was to become Vice-President of SleezCo within five years and she really believed she could make it happen. Of course, all her plans would be for nothing if she never got the chance to meet the guy.

“Yes!” she said softly as she uncovered the King of diamonds that she needed. As she moved the Queen of spades onto the King, she noticed a car pulling into the parking lot. She moved closer to the window to see the car more clearly. It was a beautiful, silver Mercedes, with not a single scratch to be found. The door opened and a tall, thin man in a black suit emerged. He walked tall and with a high level of authority, with his briefcase, into the front entrance of SleezCo.

“Sleezelton!” said Janine. Without thinking, she quickly rearranged her desk to make it appear tidier. She looked at the screen. She should turn off the computer, she thought, but she was so close to winning her game of solitaire, she didn’t want to quit. She turned off the monitor and left the computer running. Then she gathered some paperwork and made herself appear busy.

The elevator door opened and Artemis Sleezelton walked out. He continued towards Janine’s desk slowly and purposefully, making it clear who he was and that he was in charge. He had the presence of Darth Vader combined with every boss you ever hated working for. Even the simplest actions seemed incredibly menacing. When he finally stopped at Janine’s desk, she rose to meet him.

Janine wore a pink suit and knee-length skirt. She stood fairly tall in her red high-heel shoes. She had short reddish hair and wore pointy-rimmed, red glasses. She looked like the type of woman who would be very comfortable at a Star Trek convention or a “Weird Al” concert. She extended her hand to shake Mr. Sleezelton’s.

Reluctantly, Sleezelton shook her hand briefly before pulling away, and then said, “My name is Artemis Sleezelton. I own this company and I am your boss. You are new here, correct?”

“Yes, sir, Mr. Sleezelton!” Janine said, excitedly, “My name is Janine Potts. I’m your new secretary. Mr. Perez hired me. I started working here two weeks ago. I’m very excited to finally meet you.”

Sleezelton was already sick of her. He glanced up towards the ceiling impatiently.

Missing the obvious hint, Janine continued, “My husband, Rick, and I just moved here from Michigan. He worked for General Motors, but was abruptly transferred to…” Sleezelton held out his hand to silence her.

“Mrs. Potts, allow me to explain something to you,” he began, coldly, “You are my secretary. No more. I am not your friend and I do not care about you or your boring, pathetic life. You will come here each day at 8:00 and leave at 5:00. Between those hours, you will complete your secretarial duties, which you of course are aware of. Those duties do not, however, include rambling to me about your troubles, your marriage, or your kids. I don’t care where you spent your Christmas holiday. I don’t want to know about your son’s soccer game or your daughter’s prom. I don’t care. Tell it to someone else, but not on my watch. In fact the only time you should ever speak to me is when I decide to acknowledge your meaningless, pathetic existence by asking you a question. Is that perfectly clear?”

“Yes, sir,” Janine said, quietly, defeated.

Sleezelton glanced at the photograph on her desk of her two children. He picked it up and looked closer. “And any junk from home that doesn’t have anything to do with the running of SleezCo. does not belong here!” He dropped the picture into the trashcan with a crash. “Has my associate, Mr. Perez, arrived yet?”

“Yes sir. He’s in your office, sir.”

“Very good,” he said and with that, began walking down the hall towards his office. He swung back quickly. “Oh, and one more thing, Mrs. Potts. No computer games at work. You will be docked for the last half hour of each day you worked.” He yanked the computer plug out of the socket, spoiling her almost victory, and left towards his office.


He walked into his office to find Enrico Perez slumped over a drawing at his desk. “Well? What’s the story?” Sleezleton questioned.

“It’s done! It’s all ours!” Enrico said, satisfied.

“And the old man?” Sleezelton asked.

“Let’s just say, he won’t be causing any more problems for us,” Enrico said, laughing.

“So, the Mecca of Albino Squirrels is finally ours! I thought that man would never sell. It’s a good thing you have such strong powers of ‘persuasion.’ Well done, Enrico! Maybe you’re not the complete idiot that I’ve always thought you were. Now, what have you got planned so far?”

“I’m really excited about this, Mr. Sleezelton! Take a look!” Enrico showed him the drawing he was working on. It was a white squirrel, standing on two legs and wearing overalls and a baseball cap. He had on an inane smile like the one you’d expect to see on a daytime children’s show character.

“What the hell is this?” Sleezelton shouted, obviously not impressed.

“His name is Squirrely the Squirrel! I thought we’d make a special section of the exhibit just for kids. Squirrely can be like our little mascot! He would come out and meet the kids and get his picture taken with them. Whatchoo think, boss?” Enrico stood there, waiting for approval.

Sleezelton starred for a moment, and then proceeded to tear the picture into little pieces and scattering them on the floor. “Just when I think you may actually have a brain cell or two up there in that rock you call your head, you go and do something like this!”

Enrico looked on, confused and sad.

“Let me show you something, Enrico,” said Sleezelton. They walked over to a huge map of the United States drawn onto the wall. Sleezelton pointed to the various icons drawn on the map. “Over the past several years, SleezCo. has been acquiring as many theme parks, museums, and other attractions as we possibly could. And why have we been spending so much time and money on these worthless attractions?”

“So that you can achieve your goal of finally having a successful company, thereby earning your father’s respect and approval that he has denied you since birth?” Enrico said.

“No, you low-life parasite! I told you never to bring up that old man again! He’s dead to me! You got that? Dead!” Sleezelton yelled. He composed himself and then continued, “No. No. The reason we are buying these attractions is the same as it ever was. If I own every single vacation spot, theme park, and museum in the entire country, I can turn them all into disgusting, filthy places that nobody would want to take their family. People will have nowhere to go during the holidays. And then, I’ll open “SleezeCo World!” It will be the most spectacular amusement park ever created and everyone in the country will pay me whatever price I demand just to get in. I’ll be the richest man on the planet! I’ll own this entire damn country! But I can’t do that with dancing, stupid squirrels!” Enrico glanced down at his shredded drawing. “Look at this map. Look at what we’ve already acquired. We turned “Elvis-a-rama” into “Drunk-Elvis-a-rama,” a tribute to the fat, slob Elvis that everyone wants to forget. Then there’s the “Poodle Dog Rock Casino,” where people waste millions of dollars each year! There’s the “Underwear Museum,” formerly the “Tupperware Museum,” which has become the most successful strip club-slash-adult novelty store in the world! And let’s not forget the “Shuffleboard Retirement Home,” where patrons can fling senior citizens across a giant shuffleboard. No, I’m afraid a cute little squirrel won’t cut it, Enrico!”

Enrico thought for a moment. Then, he quickly collected the scraps from his drawing and taped them back together. “What are you doing?” Sleezelton asked, but Enrico said nothing. He went to work with a red marker, making changes to his drawing. When he was finished, he showed the picture to Sleezelton. Squirrely the Squirrel now had black “Xs” where his eyes once were. He had black tire marks running down his side, and a large gash in his front, from which blood and guts were hanging down. Above Squirrely, in big bold letters, were the words, “Mecca of Road Kill Squirrels!”

“Mind you, it wouldn’t have to be just squirrels! We could feature all different kinds of road kill, but you get the idea!” Enrico said.

Sleezelton laughed a very sinister laugh, indeed. He smiled largely and said, “This is brilliant, Enrico! I could kiss you!” At that, Enrico planted a kiss on Sleezelton’s cheek. Before he could think, Sleezelton slugged Enrico in the face and left him lying on the floor. “Now,” he said, moving on to the next order of business, “What shall be our next conquest, hmmm?”
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Like it? Hate it? Have questions about it? Post comments here! :cool:
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Sorry it took so long to post this chapter. It's taking me longer than I thought it would to write. Coming soon (maybe).......Chapter 4: Meeting the Hansens
Post Reply