Me: Welcome back. Today, we have the always hilarious King of Comedy Music, "Weird Al" Yankovic.
Al: It's Jake.
Me: Um, alright... Jake.
Al: Al.
Me: Wait, is it Jake or Al?
Al: Dr. Seuss.
Me: I'm going to just call you Al, is that alright?
Al: Nope.
Me: Too bad. Now Al, this question has been on people minds for years and you can finally answer it. When was NFL guard Gene Upshaw born?
Al: August 14, 1949.
Me: That's great. You know, you're a smart guy, and a culinary genius, if I've heard right. I saw you guest starring on "The Iron Chef" last month cooking a stew. What kind of meat was used in that anyway?
Al: Two band members.
Me: Really? That's weird. Which two? Was is Ruben and Jim?
Al: Yes.
Me: Thought so, those two seemed very cook-able. Did you boil it well enough?
Al:Not completely, but a bit more than average.
Me: How long did that take?
Al: It takes between 3 and 5 hours.
Me: Did it taste good?
Al: No.
Me: Why not?
Al: I'm not sure why, and I've obviously never been very happy about it.
Me: That's OK, maybe you need some paprika or oregano. Anyway, moving on to a new subject. I saw you on the news after your murderous rampage through Los Angeles in a tank. I saw someone get ran over, who was that?
Al: That was none other than Greg Kihn.
Me: How many problems did the two of you have?
Al: I don't know, close to a hundred?
Me: Geez, he must have left an ugly spot on the street.
Al: A red one.
Me: I would assume as much. I heard that little stunt land you on the Most Wanted List. How does that make you feel?
Al: Im thrilled whenever I get a mention.
Me: I also heard Steve had a horrible accident opening day of your tour. Somehow, he fell and his bass became lodged in his rectum. How did you fix that problem?
Al: We just took the guitar out.
Me: Oh. Well, I guess it's time to turn you in for the reward. How much is the reward?
Thanks for agreeing to do this interview, Al. What were your feelings when you were asked to talk with us?
Hey, I was disappointed, sure, but I didn't go into some huge spiraling depression.
Tell us a little bit more about your band members. For example, why did your guitarist, Jim West, decide to start driving such a big van?
I've run into him a few times.
When you were Touring With Scissors, you pulled a gun on Ruben every night, and yet he was always there at the keyboards for the next concert. Any comment?
At the time, there wasn't a whole lot we could do about it.
Not that I COULDN'T have made the shot, mind you...
Of course, he also had that cone-bra gig.
And I certainly didn't want to deprive the world of THAT.
Al, to judge by all those twisted love songs you've written, you seem to have had quite a bit of turnover among girlfriends in your single days. Why was that?
The general rule of thumb is, if it's not funny, get rid of it.
To what do you attribute the continued popularity of the Rolling Stones as a touring band?
It's just too hard to find real live dinosaurs these days.
I heard that your band was rather unhappy about the listening party for Poodle Hat. Why was that?
That was done somewhere out in the middle of the Mojave desert in California.
Many of us are hoping the Weird Al Show will be released on DVD. Tell us, is that chair real?
Yes it is.
What's it made of?
Good eye.
Why do the hamsters who play the role of Harvey have to be specially trained?
They feel better and take up less room in my pants.
You have contributed to quite a few charitable causes in the past. Would you ever donate any of your organs?
Just the funny parts.
Have you ever considered performing at a big evangelistic crusade?
We figured that Billy wasn't very likely to give us his blessing on that one anyway, so we never even bothered asking.
What would you describe as the most important factor that has discouraged you from drug use?
There's no grass in my yard.
I understand you once had an opportunity to watch the Olsen twins play ping-pong. Was it an interesting game?
Actually, I did hurt my neck that day, and had to see a chiropractor in Houston.
Ow! That had to hurt. But couldn't you just have stopped watching them?
Being a male, I believe that's biologically impossible.
You and Suzanne seem to be a very close and affectionate couple. Does she have any little pet names for you?
I can't really narrow it down - there have been so many.
Aw, come on-- surely you can tell us just one of them.
Sneezy.
Can you tell us a little more about your wedding?
It was fun, and really bizarre.
You got married in Malibu, where many stars have had problems with paparazzi. Did that affect your plans at all?
I would have canceled our appearance, except for the fact that Penn & Teller had built a whole production number around me, and I would have felt horrible about backing out.
In one of your wedding-album photos, there's a guest I'm having trouble identifying. Who is it?
That's Bermuda Schwartz, wearing a rubber alien mask (for no apparent reason).
It must be kind of tough to be a celebrity sometimes. Do you take any special precautions to safeguard your privacy when you go out in public?
At least I always wait until I'm in the fat suit.
I'm afraid our time is up; we'll have to wrap up this interview.
Somehow, I'll just have to find the strength to go on with my life.
Thanks, Al! And, as they say at the Star Trek convention, live long and prosper.