Posted: Tue Sep 26, 2006 11:17 pm
Chapter 16
The Bubba Gump Shrimp Night Club
Yessir, it seemed like I was standin there for bout three years, just lookin at all them people on my lawn. They is a whole group of folks that look like my friend Bubba from the war, except that they is wearin handkerchiefs an they pants is hangin off their butts an they is holdin picket signs. The signs they all say things like Go Away, Honkey! an Hey, Farty Pants! an Youre Pitiful! an Sucks to be You! I ask them what they is doin on my lawn, and one of the fellas tells me they is part of a group of gangstas that is takin over all of Europe. An the worst part is that they say I am too white an nerdy to live with them in France.
Well, let me tell you, Im not one to back away from a fight, but they is a whole bunch of them gangstas all holdin guns an all I got is my Lisa, a fat Forrest 2, a pig, an a guy thats just a stump. So, there is nothin I can do. Now, we all are on a airplane headin back to the United States. I am thinking I need a nap, so I rest my head down on the tray table. While I am sleeping, guess who should walk by but Amy herself! I would have been excited to see her if I dint remember what she did to me an how I got her back. Well, she says that since she got hurt in the skating accident she is now back to serving people on airplanes. She keeps talkin an talkin so finally I git sick of her an start pretendin I am sick. I start screamin Ow! My pancreas hurts! Ooooohaaaahhhh! She asks me how I know it is my pancreas which is a stupid question on account of I think I can tell my pancreas from my other organs.
Anyway, I am screamin in pain an so Amy goes an tells the captain to make a emergency landing. What I dont realize is that we is not landing in America. When I git off the plane, all I see is a bunch of Canadians. Now, let me tell you, I thought the French people were weird. But these Canadians is even stranger. They is all the talking in some kind of gibberish bout hockey an donuts an Celine Dion. Now I am a idiot, but these people dont even know the alphabet. An it is so cold in Canada that I get frostbite. I am thinking that Amy did it on purpose to git me back for breakin her knee.
Well, when I git back to the states, I talk to Leutenint Dan an he tells me (He doesnt really tell me, on account of he has no head. What he does is he bounces up an down and makes a message in Morris Code, which I learnt in the army.) that I should hire a lawyer an sue the airline for givin me frostbite in Canada. So that is what I do. I hire a lawyer an sue the airline an guess what? I won! I won a lot of money! Then, I remember bout when all them people sued me a long time ago an I git the idea that I can sue other people an make a bunch of money! So, then I decide to start suin some other sombitches. I sue the people who made the food that made me fat. I sue the company that gives me the free vacations for sendin me to Jurassic Park an havin me almost killed. I even sue the amusement park where Leutenint Dan lost his head. I just start suin everybody I can think of.
I win so much money that I can afford to have Forrest 2s Santa workshop all rebuilt an so he goes back to work. I also pay to git Lisas family crest on her thigh changed so that we is not cousins anymore an now we can date again. Then I git into the clubbin bidness. I buy my own nightclub an a whole bunch of computers to run the place. I call it the Bubba Gump Shrimp Night Club in honor of my friend, Bubba. Leutenint Dan gits a whole bunch of great songs to play at the club, like Black Eyed Peas an Rihanna an Weezer (which I decided isnt such crap after all) an 50 Cents. I ask him if we can get some polka music but he says college kids today dont like polka music. Which is stupid because he said that they like Snoopy, an I dont think they would like that either. But I trust Dan since he is usually right bout these things.
Anyway, the dance club was goin so great an we was makin even more money than before until one day we git a virus in our computer system. I dint know computers could get sick, but apparently they can an when they do they are really bad. All the computers got shut off an when Leutenint Dan tried to start them up again the whole club blew up! Now, luckily Dan is still alive, but the exploshun blew off his nipples, so now he has no legs, no arms, no head, an no nipples. It is a really sad thing too because all of my money was in that club. Now I am broke again.
The worst part is having to tell Lisa. Just when we had got her name changed back to Frump, an we was gettin together again, this happens. When I went home an tole her everything that happened she was really upset. I dint want her to feel bad bout the club, so I tole her a bunch of other stuff she dint know about to git her mind off of it. I tole her bout how I clean the grout wit her toothbrush an bout the time I had to go pee in her sink an bout how I dint like the birthday present she gave me. I was just tryin to help, an you know what she did? She gets right up an leaves me again. Right now I am gittin really sick of her leavin all the time.
So, after bein so happy in France, now here I am miserable again. Forrest 2 is back at the North Pole, Lisa has left me again, I am flat broke an Leutenint Dan lost his nipples. But I am thinking that at least I still got good ole Wanda. Suddenly sittin there with Wanda, I remember that it is Weasel Stomping Day! I couldnt believe I almost forgot. It would be better if Lisa were there, but it was still a lot of fun. Leutenint Dan got the mayonnaise and we called a bunch of our friends over to have a Weasel Stomping Party!
Well, while I was crunchin weasels under my boots, I met a girl named Jillian who says she is a friend of Dans. I am thinkin she is the most beautiful girl in the world an I try to talk to her. So I tell her that she should twist her leg when she steps on the weasels to give a better crunching sound, an do you know what she says? She says, Are you inferring that I dont know how to stomp weasels? Now, I am no Alex Trebek, but even I know that she should have said implying instead of inferring, so I go away from her an find another weasel to stomp. I met two other girls at the party, but one of them had giant ears an the other one liked Joe Dirt which is a movie that makes fun of dumb people like me.
Finally, when I was wiping the weasel guts off of my boots, I saw the prettiest girl I ever seen. Even prettier than Lisa Frump. I dont know her name, but she was standin there watchin us all havin our party. I went up to talk to her an put out my hand. But I think she was creeped out on account of my hand was covered with weasel blood. Also, she ran away screamin, which usually means people is scared of me.
Well, all that stompin had made me hungry so Dan an I went in the car an drove over to the drive-thru. When we git to the speaker, I order a cheeseburger for me an a chicken sandwich for Dan an curly fries for Wanda. But when I git my wallet it isnt there! Then I remember that I left it in the club when it blew up. Now I am lookin all around for loose coins but then I realize Dan doesnt need a sandwich on account of hows he gonna eat it with no head? So, I just buy the cheeseburger. Now, my day could not get any worse, because after losin Lisa an my club an scarin away that other girl, I open the bag an see that they left the onions off my cheeseburger.
Now, I am so mad that I decide I am going to sue the drive-thru! So, I rush home to call my lawyer, but when I git to the house he is already there. I ask him what hes doin there an he points to a police man. The police man says he is here to arrest me an Dan on account of we bin stealin music. Dan dint tell me, but all that music he got for the Bubba Gump Shrimp Night Club he stole from the Internet. Now, the cops is here to put me an Dan in jail.
So, we are sittin in jail now. I am hopin Wanda is okay. They gave her to a farmer to take care of. Now, I am thinkin that jail really stinks. But after a while I git to learn that it aint so bad after all. They bring me all my food an I dont have to pay for my house. It is a lot easier than livin in the real world. I even got to see some of those fellas that I met in France when they was arrested for being gangstas. An they gave Leutenint Dan a job bein the basketball on the prison basketball court. So, everything worked out okay. At least for now. But who knows whatll happen next?
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Coming some day . Chapter 17: ????
The Bubba Gump Shrimp Night Club
Yessir, it seemed like I was standin there for bout three years, just lookin at all them people on my lawn. They is a whole group of folks that look like my friend Bubba from the war, except that they is wearin handkerchiefs an they pants is hangin off their butts an they is holdin picket signs. The signs they all say things like Go Away, Honkey! an Hey, Farty Pants! an Youre Pitiful! an Sucks to be You! I ask them what they is doin on my lawn, and one of the fellas tells me they is part of a group of gangstas that is takin over all of Europe. An the worst part is that they say I am too white an nerdy to live with them in France.
Well, let me tell you, Im not one to back away from a fight, but they is a whole bunch of them gangstas all holdin guns an all I got is my Lisa, a fat Forrest 2, a pig, an a guy thats just a stump. So, there is nothin I can do. Now, we all are on a airplane headin back to the United States. I am thinking I need a nap, so I rest my head down on the tray table. While I am sleeping, guess who should walk by but Amy herself! I would have been excited to see her if I dint remember what she did to me an how I got her back. Well, she says that since she got hurt in the skating accident she is now back to serving people on airplanes. She keeps talkin an talkin so finally I git sick of her an start pretendin I am sick. I start screamin Ow! My pancreas hurts! Ooooohaaaahhhh! She asks me how I know it is my pancreas which is a stupid question on account of I think I can tell my pancreas from my other organs.
Anyway, I am screamin in pain an so Amy goes an tells the captain to make a emergency landing. What I dont realize is that we is not landing in America. When I git off the plane, all I see is a bunch of Canadians. Now, let me tell you, I thought the French people were weird. But these Canadians is even stranger. They is all the talking in some kind of gibberish bout hockey an donuts an Celine Dion. Now I am a idiot, but these people dont even know the alphabet. An it is so cold in Canada that I get frostbite. I am thinking that Amy did it on purpose to git me back for breakin her knee.
Well, when I git back to the states, I talk to Leutenint Dan an he tells me (He doesnt really tell me, on account of he has no head. What he does is he bounces up an down and makes a message in Morris Code, which I learnt in the army.) that I should hire a lawyer an sue the airline for givin me frostbite in Canada. So that is what I do. I hire a lawyer an sue the airline an guess what? I won! I won a lot of money! Then, I remember bout when all them people sued me a long time ago an I git the idea that I can sue other people an make a bunch of money! So, then I decide to start suin some other sombitches. I sue the people who made the food that made me fat. I sue the company that gives me the free vacations for sendin me to Jurassic Park an havin me almost killed. I even sue the amusement park where Leutenint Dan lost his head. I just start suin everybody I can think of.
I win so much money that I can afford to have Forrest 2s Santa workshop all rebuilt an so he goes back to work. I also pay to git Lisas family crest on her thigh changed so that we is not cousins anymore an now we can date again. Then I git into the clubbin bidness. I buy my own nightclub an a whole bunch of computers to run the place. I call it the Bubba Gump Shrimp Night Club in honor of my friend, Bubba. Leutenint Dan gits a whole bunch of great songs to play at the club, like Black Eyed Peas an Rihanna an Weezer (which I decided isnt such crap after all) an 50 Cents. I ask him if we can get some polka music but he says college kids today dont like polka music. Which is stupid because he said that they like Snoopy, an I dont think they would like that either. But I trust Dan since he is usually right bout these things.
Anyway, the dance club was goin so great an we was makin even more money than before until one day we git a virus in our computer system. I dint know computers could get sick, but apparently they can an when they do they are really bad. All the computers got shut off an when Leutenint Dan tried to start them up again the whole club blew up! Now, luckily Dan is still alive, but the exploshun blew off his nipples, so now he has no legs, no arms, no head, an no nipples. It is a really sad thing too because all of my money was in that club. Now I am broke again.
The worst part is having to tell Lisa. Just when we had got her name changed back to Frump, an we was gettin together again, this happens. When I went home an tole her everything that happened she was really upset. I dint want her to feel bad bout the club, so I tole her a bunch of other stuff she dint know about to git her mind off of it. I tole her bout how I clean the grout wit her toothbrush an bout the time I had to go pee in her sink an bout how I dint like the birthday present she gave me. I was just tryin to help, an you know what she did? She gets right up an leaves me again. Right now I am gittin really sick of her leavin all the time.
So, after bein so happy in France, now here I am miserable again. Forrest 2 is back at the North Pole, Lisa has left me again, I am flat broke an Leutenint Dan lost his nipples. But I am thinking that at least I still got good ole Wanda. Suddenly sittin there with Wanda, I remember that it is Weasel Stomping Day! I couldnt believe I almost forgot. It would be better if Lisa were there, but it was still a lot of fun. Leutenint Dan got the mayonnaise and we called a bunch of our friends over to have a Weasel Stomping Party!
Well, while I was crunchin weasels under my boots, I met a girl named Jillian who says she is a friend of Dans. I am thinkin she is the most beautiful girl in the world an I try to talk to her. So I tell her that she should twist her leg when she steps on the weasels to give a better crunching sound, an do you know what she says? She says, Are you inferring that I dont know how to stomp weasels? Now, I am no Alex Trebek, but even I know that she should have said implying instead of inferring, so I go away from her an find another weasel to stomp. I met two other girls at the party, but one of them had giant ears an the other one liked Joe Dirt which is a movie that makes fun of dumb people like me.
Finally, when I was wiping the weasel guts off of my boots, I saw the prettiest girl I ever seen. Even prettier than Lisa Frump. I dont know her name, but she was standin there watchin us all havin our party. I went up to talk to her an put out my hand. But I think she was creeped out on account of my hand was covered with weasel blood. Also, she ran away screamin, which usually means people is scared of me.
Well, all that stompin had made me hungry so Dan an I went in the car an drove over to the drive-thru. When we git to the speaker, I order a cheeseburger for me an a chicken sandwich for Dan an curly fries for Wanda. But when I git my wallet it isnt there! Then I remember that I left it in the club when it blew up. Now I am lookin all around for loose coins but then I realize Dan doesnt need a sandwich on account of hows he gonna eat it with no head? So, I just buy the cheeseburger. Now, my day could not get any worse, because after losin Lisa an my club an scarin away that other girl, I open the bag an see that they left the onions off my cheeseburger.
Now, I am so mad that I decide I am going to sue the drive-thru! So, I rush home to call my lawyer, but when I git to the house he is already there. I ask him what hes doin there an he points to a police man. The police man says he is here to arrest me an Dan on account of we bin stealin music. Dan dint tell me, but all that music he got for the Bubba Gump Shrimp Night Club he stole from the Internet. Now, the cops is here to put me an Dan in jail.
So, we are sittin in jail now. I am hopin Wanda is okay. They gave her to a farmer to take care of. Now, I am thinkin that jail really stinks. But after a while I git to learn that it aint so bad after all. They bring me all my food an I dont have to pay for my house. It is a lot easier than livin in the real world. I even got to see some of those fellas that I met in France when they was arrested for being gangstas. An they gave Leutenint Dan a job bein the basketball on the prison basketball court. So, everything worked out okay. At least for now. But who knows whatll happen next?
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Coming some day . Chapter 17: ????