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The Bubba Gump Shrimp Night Club
Yessir, it seemed like I was standin there for bout three years, just lookin at all them people on my lawn. They is a whole group of folks that look like my friend Bubba from the war, except that they is wearin handkerchiefs an they pants is hangin off their butts an they is holdin picket signs. The signs they all say things like Go Away, Honkey! an Hey, Farty Pants! an Youre Pitiful! an Sucks to be You! I ask them what they is doin on my lawn, and one of the fellas tells me they is part of a group of gangstas that is takin over all of Europe. An the worst part is that they say I am too white an nerdy to live with them in France.
Well, let me tell you, Im not one to back away from a fight, but they is a whole bunch of them gangstas all holdin guns an all I got is my Lisa, a fat Forrest 2, a pig, an a guy thats just a stump. So, there is nothin I can do. Now, we all are on a airplane headin back to the United States. I am thinking I need a nap, so I rest my head down on the tray table. While I am sleeping, guess who should walk by but Amy herself! I would have been excited to see her if I dint remember what she did to me an how I got her back. Well, she says that since she got hurt in the skating accident she is now back to serving people on airplanes. She keeps talkin an talkin so finally I git sick of her an start pretendin I am sick. I start screamin Ow! My pancreas hurts! Ooooohaaaahhhh! She asks me how I know it is my pancreas which is a stupid question on account of I think I can tell my pancreas from my other organs.
Anyway, I am screamin in pain an so Amy goes an tells the captain to make a emergency landing. What I dont realize is that we is not landing in America. When I git off the plane, all I see is a bunch of Canadians. Now, let me tell you, I thought the French people were weird. But these Canadians is even stranger. They is all the talking in some kind of gibberish bout hockey an donuts an Celine Dion. Now I am a idiot, but these people dont even know the alphabet. An it is so cold in Canada that I get frostbite. I am thinking that Amy did it on purpose to git me back for breakin her knee.
Well, when I git back to the states, I talk to Leutenint Dan an he tells me (He doesnt really tell me, on account of he has no head. What he does is he bounces up an down and makes a message in Morris Code, which I learnt in the army.) that I should hire a lawyer an sue the airline for givin me frostbite in Canada. So that is what I do. I hire a lawyer an sue the airline an guess what? I won! I won a lot of money! Then, I remember bout when all them people sued me a long time ago an I git the idea that I can sue other people an make a bunch of money! So, then I decide to start suin some other sombitches. I sue the people who made the food that made me fat. I sue the company that gives me the free vacations for sendin me to Jurassic Park an havin me almost killed. I even sue the amusement park where Leutenint Dan lost his head. I just start suin everybody I can think of.
I win so much money that I can afford to have Forrest 2s Santa workshop all rebuilt an so he goes back to work. I also pay to git Lisas family crest on her thigh changed so that we is not cousins anymore an now we can date again. Then I git into the clubbin bidness. I buy my own nightclub an a whole bunch of computers to run the place. I call it the Bubba Gump Shrimp Night Club in honor of my friend, Bubba. Leutenint Dan gits a whole bunch of great songs to play at the club, like Black Eyed Peas an Rihanna an Weezer (which I decided isnt such crap after all) an 50 Cents. I ask him if we can get some polka music but he says college kids today dont like polka music. Which is stupid because he said that they like Snoopy, an I dont think they would like that either. But I trust Dan since he is usually right bout these things.
Anyway, the dance club was goin so great an we was makin even more money than before until one day we git a virus in our computer system. I dint know computers could get sick, but apparently they can an when they do they are really bad. All the computers got shut off an when Leutenint Dan tried to start them up again the whole club blew up! Now, luckily Dan is still alive, but the exploshun blew off his nipples, so now he has no legs, no arms, no head, an no nipples. It is a really sad thing too because all of my money was in that club. Now I am broke again.
The worst part is having to tell Lisa. Just when we had got her name changed back to Frump, an we was gettin together again, this happens. When I went home an tole her everything that happened she was really upset. I dint want her to feel bad bout the club, so I tole her a bunch of other stuff she dint know about to git her mind off of it. I tole her bout how I clean the grout wit her toothbrush an bout the time I had to go pee in her sink an bout how I dint like the birthday present she gave me. I was just tryin to help, an you know what she did? She gets right up an leaves me again. Right now I am gittin really sick of her leavin all the time.
So, after bein so happy in France, now here I am miserable again. Forrest 2 is back at the North Pole, Lisa has left me again, I am flat broke an Leutenint Dan lost his nipples. But I am thinking that at least I still got good ole Wanda. Suddenly sittin there with Wanda, I remember that it is Weasel Stomping Day! I couldnt believe I almost forgot. It would be better if Lisa were there, but it was still a lot of fun. Leutenint Dan got the mayonnaise and we called a bunch of our friends over to have a Weasel Stomping Party!
Well, while I was crunchin weasels under my boots, I met a girl named Jillian who says she is a friend of Dans. I am thinkin she is the most beautiful girl in the world an I try to talk to her. So I tell her that she should twist her leg when she steps on the weasels to give a better crunching sound, an do you know what she says? She says, Are you inferring that I dont know how to stomp weasels? Now, I am no Alex Trebek, but even I know that she should have said implying instead of inferring, so I go away from her an find another weasel to stomp. I met two other girls at the party, but one of them had giant ears an the other one liked Joe Dirt which is a movie that makes fun of dumb people like me.
Finally, when I was wiping the weasel guts off of my boots, I saw the prettiest girl I ever seen. Even prettier than Lisa Frump. I dont know her name, but she was standin there watchin us all havin our party. I went up to talk to her an put out my hand. But I think she was creeped out on account of my hand was covered with weasel blood. Also, she ran away screamin, which usually means people is scared of me.
Well, all that stompin had made me hungry so Dan an I went in the car an drove over to the drive-thru. When we git to the speaker, I order a cheeseburger for me an a chicken sandwich for Dan an curly fries for Wanda. But when I git my wallet it isnt there! Then I remember that I left it in the club when it blew up. Now I am lookin all around for loose coins but then I realize Dan doesnt need a sandwich on account of hows he gonna eat it with no head? So, I just buy the cheeseburger. Now, my day could not get any worse, because after losin Lisa an my club an scarin away that other girl, I open the bag an see that they left the onions off my cheeseburger.
Now, I am so mad that I decide I am going to sue the drive-thru! So, I rush home to call my lawyer, but when I git to the house he is already there. I ask him what hes doin there an he points to a police man. The police man says he is here to arrest me an Dan on account of we bin stealin music. Dan dint tell me, but all that music he got for the Bubba Gump Shrimp Night Club he stole from the Internet. Now, the cops is here to put me an Dan in jail.
So, we are sittin in jail now. I am hopin Wanda is okay. They gave her to a farmer to take care of. Now, I am thinkin that jail really stinks. But after a while I git to learn that it aint so bad after all. They bring me all my food an I dont have to pay for my house. It is a lot easier than livin in the real world. I even got to see some of those fellas that I met in France when they was arrested for being gangstas. An they gave Leutenint Dan a job bein the basketball on the prison basketball court. So, everything worked out okay. At least for now. But who knows whatll happen next?
Coming some day . Chapter 17: ????
Ha HA! I read it and loved it! You did an awesome job. My first laugh of the day!!!
Hoping the Al goodness never ends...
Oh no, they're in jail?? I hope there's a 17th chapter ... it can't end like Seinfeld did!
Anyway, I enjoyed it, Jeremy! More than a few spots made me laugh. Thanks for the new chapter!
Bob's bigger balls begged, beyond bountiful, believable bonus bragging rights to be beheld.
This is pretty nifty! I'll have to read the rest later, but I definitely like what I've seen.
Are we playin' horseshoes, honey? No, I don't think we are...
Thanks everyone! Yeah, Magic, the story makes a lot more sense if read in order, since there are a lot of references to things that happened previously.
Yeah, they're in jail. I like painting myself into corners with the story so that I'll have to somehow use the next lead single as a way of getting him out of jail.
Coming Tuesday, June 28, 2011....
TEKNOLOGEE GONE MAD
If you haven't read the first 16 chapters, now is your chance to get caught up! I have some really great plans for this chapter, which will of course be based primarily on the music of Alpocalypse.
In case anyone has been sitting all day waiting for chapter 17, I'm sorry to say it's been delayed. I will have it done by the end of the week though.
Teknoligee Gone Mad
Well, there I sat in jail. Can you believe it? I was in there for five whole years. That’s bout the longest I ever been in one place afore. An I haf to tell it like it is. I was bored. Bored out of my mind. For a while I had Lieutenint Dan to keep me company, but seeing as he was just a stump with no arms, no legs, an no head, he wasn’t that exciting either. An one day, some of the prisoners accidentally bounced poor Lieutenint Dan over the jail wall when they was playin basketball with him. Poor old Lieutenint Dan. I had bout nothing to do the whole time, an nothin exciting ever seemed to happen. Except this one time there was some water leakin from the ceiling of my jail cell. Now I could have fixed it right away on account of my experience workin for Big Roy’s Heating an Plumbing. But seein as it was the only thing exciting that ever happened in that jail cell, I just let it keep on leakin. Yup, it just kept leakin for a whole year. Eventually, a few more spots in the ceiling started to leak. There were now five leaks in the ceiling, an I just left em like that. Countin those leaks was the most exciting thing that happened the whole time I was in jail.
Also, there was this one time I got to talkin with one of the other inmates bout all the crazy stuff that happened in my life. I tole him bout the stinky bus ride I once took, my old polka band, bout the time I was on Jeopardy, bout my friend Yoda, bout my lasagna restaurant, bout Melanie, bout how I got so fat, bout my teevee channel, bout the time I went to the biggest ball of twine in Minnesota, bout my rock band, Nirvana, bout my visit to Jurassic Park, bout my time bein Amish (which come to think of it was a lot better than bein stuck in jail with nothin to do but look at some stupid leaks in the ceiling), bout Santa goin crazy, bout my trip to Albuquerque, bout the time I sued all them people, bout goin to the drive thru, bout gettin arrested for downloadin songs, an bout a million other things that had happened to me. Well, word got around in the jail an soon, they is askin me to do a big talk to the rest of the inmates bout my life.
So, I gather up a bunch of props for me to use to tell my story, like its gonna be a big play. I get a surgeon mask, an a pillow for a fat suit, an a big Amish hat, an Flinstone costume, an a tray of lasagna, an some Yoda ears, an a Santa beard, an a fake pancreas taped to my stomach. Well, I am just about ready to go out on stage, when what do you know? The warden of the jail comes an tells me that I has been released from jail on account of my sentence is up.
Well, I am so excited I am bout to bust! I forget that I have all that crap on me, an I go runnin out the front door of the jail. Well, when I git out there, they is a whole bunch of camera people takin my picture on account of how I am famous for all the stuff I done in my life. Soon, my picture is all over the newspapers wearin all that stupid crap. Everbody is so shocked by my outfit, they is all the time wantin to see what kind of crazy thing I’ll be wearin next. One time I went out dressed like Charles Nelson Reilly. He’s bout the most famous person I can think of to dress like. I would have dressed like Chuck Norris, but that would be kinda stupid.
Now, for a while I am kinda likin all the attention I am getting, but after a few weeks, I start to git sick of the camera people followin me around all the time, trying to take my picture. They are postin them on this website called “TMZ” where they post pictures of famous people without their underwear on. So what I do is I decide to escape from it all an go on another vacation. This time I go to my favorite place – Disneyland! But I soon find out that I shoulda stayed where I was an just dealt with those camera people.
Here’s what happened. I was goin through the park, havin a blast. Then, I went on that jungle cruise ride. Thats the ride where they has a bunch of robot animals. Well, anyway, I sit down on the boat, and who should I see drivin the boat? Lieutenint Dan hisself! I could hardly believe my eyes, but there he was standin there with a full body – arms, legs, even a head! I was so shocked, I aksed him how he could be standin there like that! Well, he tole me that after he got bounced over the jail wall, he was rescued by some scientists who was workin on a new robotic human body. So, they fixed up Lieutenint Dan, gave him a whole robotic body, just like them animals in the Jungle Cruise ride. They even gave him a job bein the skipper of the ride just so he could be close to other animals that were more like him!
Well, I am thinkin that everthing has turned out great for Lieutenint Skipper Dan, an I tell him, but he doesnt agree. He starts complainin bout how all he does is drive this boat an tell the same jokes ever day. Now, I dont know if it was on account of all that, or because of all the other bad things that happened in Dans life, like losin his legs in the war, an losin his head and arms, or maybe it was just some loose wiring in his robot body, but while Lieutenint Skipper Dan was goin on an on bout his troubles, somethin just snapped an he started goin crazy! It was like Santa Claus all over agin. Lieutenint Skipper Dan starts throwin the other people off the boat an swearin hes gonna crash the boat into the dock. Well, I am gettin real scart, an I dont know what to do.
But then I remember my trainin from Yoda, an so I grab a vine hangin down from the jungle, swing over to the robot rhino, grab his horn and throw it right at Lieutenint Skipper Dan. Now, I dint mean to hurt him. I just wanted to knock him out of the boat long enough to calm him down. But that horn went right through Lieutenint Skipper Dans heart, an well, he died right there.
Now everbody is callin me a hero again, but I surely dint feel like a hero. Lieutenint Dan an I had been through a lot of stuff together. An now he was gone an I felt like it was all my fault. To top it all off, when I was swimmin through the cruddy water to go an save Lieutenint Skipper Dan, I mustta caught some bad disease, cause the next day my whole face was covered with spots. An now people is callin me Polka Dot Face or just Polka Face.
Well, with the embarrassment of havin a Polka Face an the shame of killin my best friend, I just stayed at home all the time. I dint have a job, so to make money I had to go back to sellin all my stuff. But since I was too embarrassed to go to the post office, I couldnt use eBay, so I used this other thing called Craigslist. On there, you can sell stuff an people will come to your house an pick it up. One day, while I am on Craigslist, I see this post askin bout the guy who saved all them people at Disneyland. She said she was the blonde, half-Asian woman who smelled like crap. I remembered seein an smellin her in the line, an she was real pretty, so I gave her a call.
So, I meet her an find out her name is Millie. I am thinkin we are goin out on a date, but then she tells me she works for the CIA. She said she tole her boss all bout what I did at Disneyland, an she looked into me an found out bout how I had stopped them slime creatures, an radioactive hamsters, an Santa Claus too. She says the CIA needed my help capturin a really bad terrorist. So, I agree to help out.
They give me all these neat gadgets, like a gun, an wire tappin kit, an a new cell phone. Only problem is the cell phone has one ring tone on it – an damn if it aint that stupid Achy Breaky song agin. Now ever time somebody calls me, the stupid thing goes off an everone around me gets real angry with me. An I cant figure out how to change the ringtone on account of I am a idiot.
Well, finally it is time for our mission to take out this evil sombitch terrorist. Me an my team fly to Pakistan, where we are thinkin the sombitch is hidin in a big fancy mansion. When we git there, we look all over the place, an find a bunch of evil lookin bad guys, which we kill. But we cant find the main terrorist anywhere. Well, finally we is about to leave, when all of a sudden my stupid phone starts goin off – with that stupid Billy Ray Cyrus whinin bout his heart. Now, there I am tryin to turn the phone off an the whole lot of Navy Seals is lookin at me like Bob Saget after I ruined his teevee show. Finally, they point there guns at me like they is going to shoot me. Well, damn if they dint all shoot on me all at the same time. But luckily for me, I ducked at just the right time an there bullets went into the closet behind me. When they opened the closet, who should they see but Osama Bin Laden hisself, shot full with bullets that was aimin at me. An thats how I helped kill the biggest terrorist of all time.
So now all of a sudden Millie is all impressed with me an we are datin. She even dragged me to a tattoo shop to get a tattoo to remember killin Osama Bin Laden. It was a picture of him shot in the head. Well, I am likin that tattoo so much, I decide to get a bunch more right then an there. I git one of all the things I want to remember the most. I get one of Lieutenint Skipper Dan’s name badge, an one of the Bubba Gump Shrimp logo, an one of mama, an even one of Jenny Curran. Now, Millie starts actin all jealous, an so I go an git a tattoo of her. An just to show her how much I love her, I get the tattoo right on my buttocks. Now, I may be a idiot, but if that ain’t love, I dont know what love is.
Now, I am gettin so many tattoos that soon I am flat broke agin. But I still make a point to always show Millie how much I love her by gettin her stuff at Wal-Mart an takin her out to McDonalds. But eventually I guess she gets tired of bein with someone who is broke all the time an so she goes an leaves me. But she is still friends with me an she is all the time sendin me e-mails. But after a while I am gettin really sick of the stupid crap shes sendin. Its usually some cruddy joke or crazy ideas bout the government. But after all the crap that has happened in my life, I am gettin too depressed to read all that. So, I tell her to stop sendin me those e-mails, but she just keeps sendin them. Well, I cant take it anymore so I just go crazy like poor old Lieutenint Skipper Dan an blow up my own computer, which sets fire to my whole house. Now I dint even have any place to live an I am wanderin the streets with no home an no money on account of the tattoos.
Pretty soon, I start runnin again. I am just runnin an runnin just like I did all those years ago. While I am runnin, I am thinkin bout all the bad stuff that has happened recently. It used to be that all my problems had to do with bein addicted to food an teevee. But now it seems like all my problems has to do with tecknoligee – eBay, an TMZ, an crazy robot Lieutinint Skipper Dan, an Craigslist, an that stupid ringtone, an Millie’s stupid e-mails. So I figure there is only one place I can think of to go. So I keep on runnin until I get there – Lancaster, Pennsylvania.
An that is how I came to live with the Amish once again. I even was reunited with my old friend, Wanda the Pig, who was now livin with the Amish too. At least I think it is Wanda, but it is hard to tell on account of she is a pig. Well, I figured I finally found a good place to settle down, where I dont have to worry about teknoligee or any of that other crap. I figured I’d probably be there for at least another five or six years. I just hoped it dint git as borin as it did when I was in jail.
To Be Continued (Likely in the FAR distant future...)
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