Teknoligee Gone Mad
Well, there I sat in jail. Can you believe it? I was in there for five whole years. That’s bout the longest I ever been in one place afore. An I haf to tell it like it is. I was bored. Bored out of my mind. For a while I had Lieutenint Dan to keep me company, but seeing as he was just a stump with no arms, no legs, an no head, he wasn’t that exciting either. An one day, some of the prisoners accidentally bounced poor Lieutenint Dan over the jail wall when they was playin basketball with him. Poor old Lieutenint Dan. I had bout nothing to do the whole time, an nothin exciting ever seemed to happen. Except this one time there was some water leakin from the ceiling of my jail cell. Now I could have fixed it right away on account of my experience workin for Big Roy’s Heating an Plumbing. But seein as it was the only thing exciting that ever happened in that jail cell, I just let it keep on leakin. Yup, it just kept leakin for a whole year. Eventually, a few more spots in the ceiling started to leak. There were now five leaks in the ceiling, an I just left em like that. Countin those leaks was the most exciting thing that happened the whole time I was in jail.
Also, there was this one time I got to talkin with one of the other inmates bout all the crazy stuff that happened in my life. I tole him bout the stinky bus ride I once took, my old polka band, bout the time I was on Jeopardy, bout my friend Yoda, bout my lasagna restaurant, bout Melanie, bout how I got so fat, bout my teevee channel, bout the time I went to the biggest ball of twine in Minnesota, bout my rock band, Nirvana, bout my visit to Jurassic Park, bout my time bein Amish (which come to think of it was a lot better than bein stuck in jail with nothin to do but look at some stupid leaks in the ceiling), bout Santa goin crazy, bout my trip to Albuquerque, bout the time I sued all them people, bout goin to the drive thru, bout gettin arrested for downloadin songs, an bout a million other things that had happened to me. Well, word got around in the jail an soon, they is askin me to do a big talk to the rest of the inmates bout my life.
So, I gather up a bunch of props for me to use to tell my story, like its gonna be a big play. I get a surgeon mask, an a pillow for a fat suit, an a big Amish hat, an Flinstone costume, an a tray of lasagna, an some Yoda ears, an a Santa beard, an a fake pancreas taped to my stomach. Well, I am just about ready to go out on stage, when what do you know? The warden of the jail comes an tells me that I has been released from jail on account of my sentence is up.
Well, I am so excited I am bout to bust! I forget that I have all that crap on me, an I go runnin out the front door of the jail. Well, when I git out there, they is a whole bunch of camera people takin my picture on account of how I am famous for all the stuff I done in my life. Soon, my picture is all over the newspapers wearin all that stupid crap. Everbody is so shocked by my outfit, they is all the time wantin to see what kind of crazy thing I’ll be wearin next. One time I went out dressed like Charles Nelson Reilly. He’s bout the most famous person I can think of to dress like. I would have dressed like Chuck Norris, but that would be kinda stupid.
Now, for a while I am kinda likin all the attention I am getting, but after a few weeks, I start to git sick of the camera people followin me around all the time, trying to take my picture. They are postin them on this website called “TMZ” where they post pictures of famous people without their underwear on. So what I do is I decide to escape from it all an go on another vacation. This time I go to my favorite place – Disneyland! But I soon find out that I shoulda stayed where I was an just dealt with those camera people.
Here’s what happened. I was goin through the park, havin a blast. Then, I went on that jungle cruise ride. Thats the ride where they has a bunch of robot animals. Well, anyway, I sit down on the boat, and who should I see drivin the boat? Lieutenint Dan hisself! I could hardly believe my eyes, but there he was standin there with a full body – arms, legs, even a head! I was so shocked, I aksed him how he could be standin there like that! Well, he tole me that after he got bounced over the jail wall, he was rescued by some scientists who was workin on a new robotic human body. So, they fixed up Lieutenint Dan, gave him a whole robotic body, just like them animals in the Jungle Cruise ride. They even gave him a job bein the skipper of the ride just so he could be close to other animals that were more like him!
Well, I am thinkin that everthing has turned out great for Lieutenint Skipper Dan, an I tell him, but he doesnt agree. He starts complainin bout how all he does is drive this boat an tell the same jokes ever day. Now, I dont know if it was on account of all that, or because of all the other bad things that happened in Dans life, like losin his legs in the war, an losin his head and arms, or maybe it was just some loose wiring in his robot body, but while Lieutenint Skipper Dan was goin on an on bout his troubles, somethin just snapped an he started goin crazy! It was like Santa Claus all over agin. Lieutenint Skipper Dan starts throwin the other people off the boat an swearin hes gonna crash the boat into the dock. Well, I am gettin real scart, an I dont know what to do.
But then I remember my trainin from Yoda, an so I grab a vine hangin down from the jungle, swing over to the robot rhino, grab his horn and throw it right at Lieutenint Skipper Dan. Now, I dint mean to hurt him. I just wanted to knock him out of the boat long enough to calm him down. But that horn went right through Lieutenint Skipper Dans heart, an well, he died right there.
Now everbody is callin me a hero again, but I surely dint feel like a hero. Lieutenint Dan an I had been through a lot of stuff together. An now he was gone an I felt like it was all my fault. To top it all off, when I was swimmin through the cruddy water to go an save Lieutenint Skipper Dan, I mustta caught some bad disease, cause the next day my whole face was covered with spots. An now people is callin me Polka Dot Face or just Polka Face.
Well, with the embarrassment of havin a Polka Face an the shame of killin my best friend, I just stayed at home all the time. I dint have a job, so to make money I had to go back to sellin all my stuff. But since I was too embarrassed to go to the post office, I couldnt use eBay, so I used this other thing called Craigslist. On there, you can sell stuff an people will come to your house an pick it up. One day, while I am on Craigslist, I see this post askin bout the guy who saved all them people at Disneyland. She said she was the blonde, half-Asian woman who smelled like crap. I remembered seein an smellin her in the line, an she was real pretty, so I gave her a call.
So, I meet her an find out her name is Millie. I am thinkin we are goin out on a date, but then she tells me she works for the CIA. She said she tole her boss all bout what I did at Disneyland, an she looked into me an found out bout how I had stopped them slime creatures, an radioactive hamsters, an Santa Claus too. She says the CIA needed my help capturin a really bad terrorist. So, I agree to help out.
They give me all these neat gadgets, like a gun, an wire tappin kit, an a new cell phone. Only problem is the cell phone has one ring tone on it – an damn if it aint that stupid Achy Breaky song agin. Now ever time somebody calls me, the stupid thing goes off an everone around me gets real angry with me. An I cant figure out how to change the ringtone on account of I am a idiot.
Well, finally it is time for our mission to take out this evil sombitch terrorist. Me an my team fly to Pakistan, where we are thinkin the sombitch is hidin in a big fancy mansion. When we git there, we look all over the place, an find a bunch of evil lookin bad guys, which we kill. But we cant find the main terrorist anywhere. Well, finally we is about to leave, when all of a sudden my stupid phone starts goin off – with that stupid Billy Ray Cyrus whinin bout his heart. Now, there I am tryin to turn the phone off an the whole lot of Navy Seals is lookin at me like Bob Saget after I ruined his teevee show. Finally, they point there guns at me like they is going to shoot me. Well, damn if they dint all shoot on me all at the same time. But luckily for me, I ducked at just the right time an there bullets went into the closet behind me. When they opened the closet, who should they see but Osama Bin Laden hisself, shot full with bullets that was aimin at me. An thats how I helped kill the biggest terrorist of all time.
So now all of a sudden Millie is all impressed with me an we are datin. She even dragged me to a tattoo shop to get a tattoo to remember killin Osama Bin Laden. It was a picture of him shot in the head. Well, I am likin that tattoo so much, I decide to get a bunch more right then an there. I git one of all the things I want to remember the most. I get one of Lieutenint Skipper Dan’s name badge, an one of the Bubba Gump Shrimp logo, an one of mama, an even one of Jenny Curran. Now, Millie starts actin all jealous, an so I go an git a tattoo of her. An just to show her how much I love her, I get the tattoo right on my buttocks. Now, I may be a idiot, but if that ain’t love, I dont know what love is.
Now, I am gettin so many tattoos that soon I am flat broke agin. But I still make a point to always show Millie how much I love her by gettin her stuff at Wal-Mart an takin her out to McDonalds. But eventually I guess she gets tired of bein with someone who is broke all the time an so she goes an leaves me. But she is still friends with me an she is all the time sendin me e-mails. But after a while I am gettin really sick of the stupid crap shes sendin. Its usually some cruddy joke or crazy ideas bout the government. But after all the crap that has happened in my life, I am gettin too depressed to read all that. So, I tell her to stop sendin me those e-mails, but she just keeps sendin them. Well, I cant take it anymore so I just go crazy like poor old Lieutenint Skipper Dan an blow up my own computer, which sets fire to my whole house. Now I dint even have any place to live an I am wanderin the streets with no home an no money on account of the tattoos.
Pretty soon, I start runnin again. I am just runnin an runnin just like I did all those years ago. While I am runnin, I am thinkin bout all the bad stuff that has happened recently. It used to be that all my problems had to do with bein addicted to food an teevee. But now it seems like all my problems has to do with tecknoligee – eBay, an TMZ, an crazy robot Lieutinint Skipper Dan, an Craigslist, an that stupid ringtone, an Millie’s stupid e-mails. So I figure there is only one place I can think of to go. So I keep on runnin until I get there – Lancaster, Pennsylvania.
An that is how I came to live with the Amish once again. I even was reunited with my old friend, Wanda the Pig, who was now livin with the Amish too. At least I think it is Wanda, but it is hard to tell on account of she is a pig. Well, I figured I finally found a good place to settle down, where I dont have to worry about teknoligee or any of that other crap. I figured I’d probably be there for at least another five or six years. I just hoped it dint git as borin as it did when I was in jail.
To Be Continued (Likely in the FAR distant future...)