Chapter 8
Why Bob Saget Is Mad At Me
If they ever caught me I would be in big trouble on account of makin em lose the Twine Ball. So we had to hide for a while. We stayed in Seatle for a few years then we startid a rockin roll band that we called Nirvana. This was Dans idea. He gave me the stage name of Kurt Cobaine. We wrote a really good song, but when our first concert came along we all forgot the words on account of we was stage frightened. So what we did was, we just made up a bunch of crap that no one could understand. I guess this sort of caught on cause soon we is real popular an they is a million other groups just like us!
Well Lisa says that we is hangin out with the wrong crowd an she is afraid I might blow my head off on account of I is carryin a gun aroun everwhere to protect my self from people who dont like our music. Also, I have changed cause I used to like tee vee an now ever since the insidint with R.J. Fletcher, I hate tee vee, especially that funniest videos show. Once, I sent a tape of me accidently shooting Wanda in the buttox, but them bastids dint even show it on the show. Well, Lisa had to almost poke my eyes out afore I realized she was right bout how much Ive changed.
What happened is I am singing her one of my rockin roll songs bout how I was only kidding bout how much I loved her. She kinda took it the wrong way an left me. Also, noone else liked the song neither an soon our band was a bust, an we is flat broke again! We kinda learned to live off of Oreo cookies, which I figured was pretty good. I ate oreos all the time. But even that got me into trouble!
One day I saw Bob Saget hisself walkin cross the street. He is the guy on the Funniest Videos show. Dan graps him an asked why he aint used my tape on his show. Bob Saget explains that they cant show people gettin shot on a family show even if it is a pig, but he offered me a spot on his other show. Full House was the name of the show. That was the show with those cute little kids that is now billionaires.
Anyhow, I played a policeman who brings one of the kids home after they been spray paintin. They tole me to wait outside the door til they cue me. Well, from inside I could hear that Bob Saget is tellin the kids bout when he was their age an he had to walk 50 billion miles in the snow an crap like that. It was a long speech so I decided to have a few Oreos while I am waitin. Then some more an more. When they finally cue me an open the door, I has got choclit an white stuff all over my face. Mr. Saget is so mad he chased me all the way home.
Now, I am a good runner, but that Bob Saget he is almost as fast. He kept up with me pretty good while we ran clear back from California to Seatle. When I git home, Leutenint Dan is waitin for me an he says that we is goin on another one of them free trips. So now Mr. Saget is chasin me, Dan, an Wanda all the way to the airport an since they think he is our extra guest, he is chasin us all over the plane too.
Where we went is to a new museum in Mexico called Taco Grande. Leutenint Dan says that means big taco. It is a whole museum bout tacos. We ran past displays of tacos, burritos, chimichangas, an them cinimin things an I even saw a wax statue of Cheech Marin along the way. Well we finally lost Bob Saget somewhere roun the salsa section. Unfortunately, we also lost pore ole Wanda cause she couldnt keep up. Pore ole Wanda.
Well, anyhow now we is on the plane to go home. They is the most beautiful girl I seen since Melanie. Her name is Amy. I find out she is a flight attendant. That is the person who tells you what to do when the plane crashes. Well, instantly we is a couple. She is givin me all kinds of free drinks an peanuts an coffee. Soon I find Im goin on all kinds of trips just to be with Amy. Dan says this is stupid on account of we is broke. But I git a job as a pilot so it is easier to be with her. Eventually, she agreed to go out with me outside the airplane.
But when I go to pick her up at her house, she is not ready on account of the shower does not work. It would go on when shed flush the john an then it wouldnt go off. So what I tole her is that I got a friend from Big Roys Heating an Plumbin. His name? Ed McMahon from the Tonight Show. As it turns out, some big chinned guy took over for Johnny Carson an now Ed McMahon is working at Big Roys.
Well, Amy is so impressed by Ed McMahon that she agreed to marry me. However, I think she only did this cause I know Ed McMahon. She is all the time hangin round him an ignorin me. An soon I be gettin this feelin shes tryin to kill me. She says I am just paranoid from when she accidently shoved me down an elevator shaft. But I am startin to worry when I found piranhas in the bath tub an my car breaks was broke. Finally, she broke my heart when she just left me flat. An thats all I got to say bout that. Except that, like Melanie, I would one day git my revenge on Amy.
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Coming soon......Chapter 9: Jurassic Park an the Wafflin Bidness
Alfred Gump
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Bruce the Duck
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Bruce the Duck
- Deliriously Dedicated
- Posts: 25029
- Joined: Sat Apr 26, 2003 3:49 am
- Location: Here
Chapter 9
Jurassic Park an the Wafflin Bidness
I ran into Lisa an tole her bout how I dint really mean what I said bout not lovin her, an she came back to me again. Everthin is goin swell for a while. One time we went to this food festival where we had all my old favorites like spam an balogna an Rocky Road ice cream an ham on whole wheat an rye an keiser an tatters an tacos an Oreo cookies an lasagna. But you know what I learned at that festival? That stuff bout girls eatin lunch is a bunch of bull cause I aint seen one girl eatin lunch there, except Lisa.
Now when I got home I guess it is time for another trial theme park, cause they is this bearded man named Hammond who is askin us to come to his new park an so we say yes. So there we is at this park. Me, Lisa, Leutenint Dan, Seymore, an some guy named Ian Malcom.
When Hammond is splainin the park to us he says that they is breedin dinosaurs from moskitos. Well, Ian Malcom he is arguin with Hammond on how they is gonna make sure the dinosaurs dont escape the island and start eatin people. Ian Malcom says that if they have baby dinosaurs they can escape on account of the offspring aint got some kind of poisen or somethin that kills them. But Hammondsays they cant breed cause they is all girls. Then Ian Malcom says that nature will find a way. I think that Ian Malcom is right. Its like Mama always said, Life is like a box of chocolates, random an unpredictable. I tole this to Ian Malcom an he later calls it the Chaos theory an makes hisself famous.
Anyhow, we is goin through the tour, but we aint seen no dinosaurs. Then we come to the T-Rex pen. Somethin is comin out of the groun an Hammond says that they is feedin the T-Rex. When I look close, I see that it is good ole Wanda herself coming out the ground! Then I hear the T-Rex comin an I jump out of the car to save Wanda. I know the fence is lectrified so I ask the fat guy from Seinfeld to turn it off. After he does this, I leap over the fence lickety split, so to speak. I git Wanda out of there, but by that time the T-Rex an all the other dinosaurs escaped from the fences an is attackin us. One spit some tar or something into the face of the fat guy from Seinfeld. The T-Rex done goppled up Seymore in one bite. Pore ole Seymore. We all startid runnin, except Leutenint Dan on account of he aint got no legs. Two velociraptors came an chewed off Leutenint Dans arms an so now he is just a big ole stump with a head. I am panickin an so I do the only thing I can think of. I climb up into the tree an start doin my George of the Jungle impression that I learned from Yoda. After I hit the T-Rex in the head a few times they all start runnin away. So now when we leave the island, they is all congradulatin me an my name is all over the papers like when I stopped them alien invaders.
They is sayin I is real brave an how I is a wild man. An soon it all goes to my head an I start actin like a real nut! I was drinkin milk out of the milk carton, steelin shoppin carts, not rewindin my video tapes an other crap like that. I am livin life on the wild side, so to speak.
Well, Lisa says that this sort of livin is destructive and dangerous an that I should try a new lifestyle, an I think she is right so what I am thinkin is that it would be fun to be like the Flintstones. So thats what I did. I went out an bought a Fred Flintstone costume, painted Wanda purple, an even built myself a Flintstone car. Soon, I is famous again. Everbody in the city came by to see me an take pictures of me an my house. They all thought I was nuts which I guess was true. I was always the center of attention when I dressed like that. Lisa thinks I is getting a big head on account of all the attention. But I dint care. Until one day when my neighbor, Frank, got hisself a new tee vee set.
It was 2,000 inches an pretty soon everone wants to be like Frank an hang around him an they has forgotten all about me. Eventually, I just give up the whole routine an git really jealous of Frank, especially when Lisa leaves me for him. I was really mad. But I would eventually git my revenge on Frank too, just like Melanie an Amy.
In the meantime, I has become so bitter that I decide to stop watchin tee vee for good. So now I just listen to the radio, which I learned was a lot better than tee vee. Then they played a new song called Achy Breaky Heart. It is a pretty good song is what I am thinking, but then they go an play it some more an some more an some more an soon all I hear is the Achy Breaky song all over the radio. They is playin it so much that I think I is goin nuts. Once I even called the D.J. an say that if he plays it again I will blow up my radio. Well, he plays it again an sure enough, I blow up my radio.
So now that I aint got no radio I must return to my tee vee. When I turn it on they is Montel Williams askin for people to be on his show. He says he wants the people with the strangest lives. So I call an sure enough he says to come on down to the studio. However, it took me bout twelve million hours to get there on account of the huge traffic jam I has got stuck in.
Well anyhow, I took Leutenint Dan an Wanda with me. First there was these people who sold their kids for cheese an then there was this lesbian Nazi hooker who was abducted by a U.F.O. an forced into weight loss programs. Then there was me. I tole Montel bout my life an at the end of the show he gives me the award for weirdest guest he has ever had.
After the show, I am in the green room (which doesnt make sense cause it aint even green) an I meet one of the other guests, Meagan. We startid to date for a while. One night when I got home I opened the fridge to get somethin for her an me to eat and you know what I found? A great big sack of green, mushy, hairy crap. I suppose it was Leutenint Dan who left it there on account of he is always savin stuff. Plus he has a hard time cleanin now what with no arms or legs.
Anyhow, bout Meagan, she was real swell, til the day that I introduced her to Dan. At first he is kinda lookin at her funny. Then he pulls me over to the side an says, Ya know, Forrest. Shes a mime. Well, I tell you, I was mad. I had wondered why she acted so strange, but I never thought she was a mime. Why she dint just tell me I do not know. Well, now I broke it off right there an got my revenge on her later, along with the others.
Well, me an Dan were takin my pet Harvey the Wonder Hamster for a walk when who should we run into but Forrest 2 hisself! He explains how the pasta bidness had gone bust. Well, we is all wonderin what we is gonna do with our lives an Dan says, Im hungry for waffles. An thats when I knew what I was gonna do. We startid a waffle restaurant called Waffle King. It is a big success.
We make the best darn waffles the world has ever seen an soon we is expandin all over the world. The wafflin bidness is gettin so big that I has to hire a lot of new people to help me run it. I hire the Prince an Princess of England, the hyjacker I met on the plane, Big Roy from the plumbin bidness, Art Fleming an Don Pardo from the Jeopardy show, the Polka band that used to play on 45th Street, Mr. Popeil, Diamond Jim, all them slime creatures from outer space along with them radioactive hamsters, Ed McMahon an Johnny Carson from the Tonight Show, Dr. Jackson from the nut house, Billy the Bird, Leo the Cat, the hunters, Peter, Wendy Carlos, Shirley Macclaine (who used to be Bruce the Duck), the Rolling Stones, my aunt an uncle, Big Louie, R.J. Fletcher, Filo from Zarcon, Stanley Spadowski, an Janitor Bob, whose tee vee stashun has gone bust. Also, I hired Bob Saget from the funniest videos show (who is still a little upset on account of how I messed up his other show), Ian Malcom an John Hammond from Jurassic Park, the D.J. who played the Achy Breaky song, Montel Williams, Lisa Frump, Wanda, an good ole Leutenint Dan.
After I hired all these people, we had a party where the Polka band played some bohemian polka music.
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Coming soon.....Chapter 10: My Revenge
Jurassic Park an the Wafflin Bidness
I ran into Lisa an tole her bout how I dint really mean what I said bout not lovin her, an she came back to me again. Everthin is goin swell for a while. One time we went to this food festival where we had all my old favorites like spam an balogna an Rocky Road ice cream an ham on whole wheat an rye an keiser an tatters an tacos an Oreo cookies an lasagna. But you know what I learned at that festival? That stuff bout girls eatin lunch is a bunch of bull cause I aint seen one girl eatin lunch there, except Lisa.
Now when I got home I guess it is time for another trial theme park, cause they is this bearded man named Hammond who is askin us to come to his new park an so we say yes. So there we is at this park. Me, Lisa, Leutenint Dan, Seymore, an some guy named Ian Malcom.
When Hammond is splainin the park to us he says that they is breedin dinosaurs from moskitos. Well, Ian Malcom he is arguin with Hammond on how they is gonna make sure the dinosaurs dont escape the island and start eatin people. Ian Malcom says that if they have baby dinosaurs they can escape on account of the offspring aint got some kind of poisen or somethin that kills them. But Hammondsays they cant breed cause they is all girls. Then Ian Malcom says that nature will find a way. I think that Ian Malcom is right. Its like Mama always said, Life is like a box of chocolates, random an unpredictable. I tole this to Ian Malcom an he later calls it the Chaos theory an makes hisself famous.
Anyhow, we is goin through the tour, but we aint seen no dinosaurs. Then we come to the T-Rex pen. Somethin is comin out of the groun an Hammond says that they is feedin the T-Rex. When I look close, I see that it is good ole Wanda herself coming out the ground! Then I hear the T-Rex comin an I jump out of the car to save Wanda. I know the fence is lectrified so I ask the fat guy from Seinfeld to turn it off. After he does this, I leap over the fence lickety split, so to speak. I git Wanda out of there, but by that time the T-Rex an all the other dinosaurs escaped from the fences an is attackin us. One spit some tar or something into the face of the fat guy from Seinfeld. The T-Rex done goppled up Seymore in one bite. Pore ole Seymore. We all startid runnin, except Leutenint Dan on account of he aint got no legs. Two velociraptors came an chewed off Leutenint Dans arms an so now he is just a big ole stump with a head. I am panickin an so I do the only thing I can think of. I climb up into the tree an start doin my George of the Jungle impression that I learned from Yoda. After I hit the T-Rex in the head a few times they all start runnin away. So now when we leave the island, they is all congradulatin me an my name is all over the papers like when I stopped them alien invaders.
They is sayin I is real brave an how I is a wild man. An soon it all goes to my head an I start actin like a real nut! I was drinkin milk out of the milk carton, steelin shoppin carts, not rewindin my video tapes an other crap like that. I am livin life on the wild side, so to speak.
Well, Lisa says that this sort of livin is destructive and dangerous an that I should try a new lifestyle, an I think she is right so what I am thinkin is that it would be fun to be like the Flintstones. So thats what I did. I went out an bought a Fred Flintstone costume, painted Wanda purple, an even built myself a Flintstone car. Soon, I is famous again. Everbody in the city came by to see me an take pictures of me an my house. They all thought I was nuts which I guess was true. I was always the center of attention when I dressed like that. Lisa thinks I is getting a big head on account of all the attention. But I dint care. Until one day when my neighbor, Frank, got hisself a new tee vee set.
It was 2,000 inches an pretty soon everone wants to be like Frank an hang around him an they has forgotten all about me. Eventually, I just give up the whole routine an git really jealous of Frank, especially when Lisa leaves me for him. I was really mad. But I would eventually git my revenge on Frank too, just like Melanie an Amy.
In the meantime, I has become so bitter that I decide to stop watchin tee vee for good. So now I just listen to the radio, which I learned was a lot better than tee vee. Then they played a new song called Achy Breaky Heart. It is a pretty good song is what I am thinking, but then they go an play it some more an some more an some more an soon all I hear is the Achy Breaky song all over the radio. They is playin it so much that I think I is goin nuts. Once I even called the D.J. an say that if he plays it again I will blow up my radio. Well, he plays it again an sure enough, I blow up my radio.
So now that I aint got no radio I must return to my tee vee. When I turn it on they is Montel Williams askin for people to be on his show. He says he wants the people with the strangest lives. So I call an sure enough he says to come on down to the studio. However, it took me bout twelve million hours to get there on account of the huge traffic jam I has got stuck in.
Well anyhow, I took Leutenint Dan an Wanda with me. First there was these people who sold their kids for cheese an then there was this lesbian Nazi hooker who was abducted by a U.F.O. an forced into weight loss programs. Then there was me. I tole Montel bout my life an at the end of the show he gives me the award for weirdest guest he has ever had.
After the show, I am in the green room (which doesnt make sense cause it aint even green) an I meet one of the other guests, Meagan. We startid to date for a while. One night when I got home I opened the fridge to get somethin for her an me to eat and you know what I found? A great big sack of green, mushy, hairy crap. I suppose it was Leutenint Dan who left it there on account of he is always savin stuff. Plus he has a hard time cleanin now what with no arms or legs.
Anyhow, bout Meagan, she was real swell, til the day that I introduced her to Dan. At first he is kinda lookin at her funny. Then he pulls me over to the side an says, Ya know, Forrest. Shes a mime. Well, I tell you, I was mad. I had wondered why she acted so strange, but I never thought she was a mime. Why she dint just tell me I do not know. Well, now I broke it off right there an got my revenge on her later, along with the others.
Well, me an Dan were takin my pet Harvey the Wonder Hamster for a walk when who should we run into but Forrest 2 hisself! He explains how the pasta bidness had gone bust. Well, we is all wonderin what we is gonna do with our lives an Dan says, Im hungry for waffles. An thats when I knew what I was gonna do. We startid a waffle restaurant called Waffle King. It is a big success.
We make the best darn waffles the world has ever seen an soon we is expandin all over the world. The wafflin bidness is gettin so big that I has to hire a lot of new people to help me run it. I hire the Prince an Princess of England, the hyjacker I met on the plane, Big Roy from the plumbin bidness, Art Fleming an Don Pardo from the Jeopardy show, the Polka band that used to play on 45th Street, Mr. Popeil, Diamond Jim, all them slime creatures from outer space along with them radioactive hamsters, Ed McMahon an Johnny Carson from the Tonight Show, Dr. Jackson from the nut house, Billy the Bird, Leo the Cat, the hunters, Peter, Wendy Carlos, Shirley Macclaine (who used to be Bruce the Duck), the Rolling Stones, my aunt an uncle, Big Louie, R.J. Fletcher, Filo from Zarcon, Stanley Spadowski, an Janitor Bob, whose tee vee stashun has gone bust. Also, I hired Bob Saget from the funniest videos show (who is still a little upset on account of how I messed up his other show), Ian Malcom an John Hammond from Jurassic Park, the D.J. who played the Achy Breaky song, Montel Williams, Lisa Frump, Wanda, an good ole Leutenint Dan.
After I hired all these people, we had a party where the Polka band played some bohemian polka music.
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Coming soon.....Chapter 10: My Revenge
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Bruce the Duck
- Deliriously Dedicated
- Posts: 25029
- Joined: Sat Apr 26, 2003 3:49 am
- Location: Here
Chapter 10
My Revenge
Well, for the next few years I was just sittin roun my house not doin much of anything except workin in the wafflin bidness. Everthing was pretty good except ever once in a while I get sad on account of I still miss Ricky Ricardo an Yoda an Art Fleming an Mr. Frump an Seymore the Wolf an Bubba an Jenny Curran an Mama, but I still have all these other friends, so I am happy. They is one important thing that happened in all those years though an that it when I finally got my revenge on Melanie, Amy, Frank, an Meagan the Mime.
First, I put up a fake commercial on Franks giant tee vee. It is a commercial bout a million dollar spray paintin contest in Singapore. When he sees it, he hops on a plane to Singapore an ends up gittin whupped in the buttox. Then I find out that Melanie an Amy have become ice skaters an I frame Melanie for tryin to knock Amy out of the competition by bashin in her knee cap. Finally, I tole Meagan the Mime that her new husband is cheatin on her an do you know what she did? She went an cut off his wiener! Now I dont know bout you, but I think Id rather lose all my arms an legs like Leutenint Dan than to have someone chop off my wiener. That would hurt like a sombitch.
Well, all these crimes went on their permanent records an I am thinking I have got my revenge. It was another one of my greatest hits.
Now I am runnin the waffle joint an just kind of waitin for somethin new to happen. Meanwhile, I am watchin a lot of tee vee again. I am watchin Beverly Hillbillies an Jeopardy an The Tonight Show an Brady Bunch an The Flintstones an Talk Soup an just bout everthing else except Gilligans Island an Mr. Popeil (for some reason I cant find those two on the tee vee). Also, I am watchin I Love Lucy, which is what my story was bout in the first place. I am watchin so much tee vee I am becomin a tee vee addict.
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Coming soon.....Chapter 11: Larry, Santa, an the Amish
My Revenge
Well, for the next few years I was just sittin roun my house not doin much of anything except workin in the wafflin bidness. Everthing was pretty good except ever once in a while I get sad on account of I still miss Ricky Ricardo an Yoda an Art Fleming an Mr. Frump an Seymore the Wolf an Bubba an Jenny Curran an Mama, but I still have all these other friends, so I am happy. They is one important thing that happened in all those years though an that it when I finally got my revenge on Melanie, Amy, Frank, an Meagan the Mime.
First, I put up a fake commercial on Franks giant tee vee. It is a commercial bout a million dollar spray paintin contest in Singapore. When he sees it, he hops on a plane to Singapore an ends up gittin whupped in the buttox. Then I find out that Melanie an Amy have become ice skaters an I frame Melanie for tryin to knock Amy out of the competition by bashin in her knee cap. Finally, I tole Meagan the Mime that her new husband is cheatin on her an do you know what she did? She went an cut off his wiener! Now I dont know bout you, but I think Id rather lose all my arms an legs like Leutenint Dan than to have someone chop off my wiener. That would hurt like a sombitch.
Well, all these crimes went on their permanent records an I am thinking I have got my revenge. It was another one of my greatest hits.
Now I am runnin the waffle joint an just kind of waitin for somethin new to happen. Meanwhile, I am watchin a lot of tee vee again. I am watchin Beverly Hillbillies an Jeopardy an The Tonight Show an Brady Bunch an The Flintstones an Talk Soup an just bout everthing else except Gilligans Island an Mr. Popeil (for some reason I cant find those two on the tee vee). Also, I am watchin I Love Lucy, which is what my story was bout in the first place. I am watchin so much tee vee I am becomin a tee vee addict.
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Coming soon.....Chapter 11: Larry, Santa, an the Amish
-
Bruce the Duck
- Deliriously Dedicated
- Posts: 25029
- Joined: Sat Apr 26, 2003 3:49 am
- Location: Here
Chapter 11
Larry, Santa, an the Amish
Well, since I been watchin so much tee vee, I start gettin real sick of it. In fact, I is gettin of sick of teknoligee in general that I just one day decided that Id leave Leutenint Dan an Forrest 2 in charge of the wafflin bidness an Id move to Lancaster, Pennsylvania an become an Amish.
Now, let me say this:Bein Amish is no box of chocolates. It is a real hard thing to do. They is all the time makin us pray with these little bibles like we had when me an Mama used to go to church. An when you isnt prayin you is milkin cows or plowin fields or feedin animals or buildin barns or sellin quilts. Also, we is always wearin black coats with no buttons an hats an long beards an the tourist is always laughin at us, but we is not supposed to punch em in the nose. Now, even my new friend, Ezikeil, tells me that Ive gone nuts from all the milkin an plowin, which I think is true on account of I start havin these crazy dreams like I did when I was in the Nut House with Dr. Jackson, except they is no Vanna White this time. Now, I am dreamin bout the Tucky Fried Chicken guy an mailin letters to Forrest 2 an bein abducted by aliens an all kinds of other crazy stuff. Also, I git this letter from Forrest 2 saying that the Wafflin bidness has done bust! So, I finally decided to quit the whole Amish bull an go back home.
The first thing I did, after gettin my old job at Big Roys Heating an Plumbing back, was to go to the dentist cause they aint got too great of dentists in Lancaster an my teeth have gotten kinda cruddy. It turned out I had twelve cavities an had to git drilt up good. An boy did it hurt! It was so painful I couldnt hardly hear the Muzak. However, I could hear it once while they wasnt drillin an damn if they aint playin that stupid Achy Breaky song again, which made the whole thing even more painful. It is still hurtin in the mornin so I has to call in sick an stay home all day.
So since I had all this free time, what I did was listened to a bunch of my Alternative CDs like Alanis Morresette, an R.E.M. an Green Day an Soundgarden an Stone Temple Pilots. However, I could not seem to find my Weezer CD, which I guess is okay on account of they kinda stink anyway. Also, I git to thinking bout Lisa Frump again. I really missed her. So I called her up an tole her how miserable I has been since shes been gone. An would you believe it? She done come back to me again.
When Lisa come back to me she brought me a present. It is a CD by Weird Al Yankovic. What he does is he take cruddy songs which aint make no sense an makes em so they make sense. Anyhow, they is this song on there which is called Gump an is all about me! I guess Weird Al mustve heard bout me in the newspapers or somethin. It is a pretty good song. Although why he would want to write a song bout a idiot, I do not know. Anyhow, the song is kinda sad on account of he talks bout Bubba an Mama an Jenny. That got me thinkin bout Jenny again. Its been so long since she died an I really miss her a lot. There wasnt anybody ever like Jenny Curran. Well thinkin bout Jenny made me start comparing Jenny to Lisa an I suddenly realized how crummy Lisa is compared to Jenny.
Well, one day I tole Lisa how sick I am of her an well, she just left me again. An I think she took some of my Alternative CDs on account of I cant find my Pearl Jam CD now. Now, since I is alone again I find myself watchin a whole lot of tee vee again. That is all I do is work at Big Roys an watch tee vee. I mostly like the syndicated shows like Regis and Kathy Lee an Wheel of Fortune an Hard Copy.
Now one day when I is watchin Regis an Kathy Lee, my tee vee just blowed up. I dint know what to do. I couldnt figure out how my tee vee just blowed up like that, but then I find out that it was blowed up by my new neighbor, Larry. Now Larry was a swell guy I suppose, but he is all the time playin tricks on me. I guess it is on account of I am a idiot an dont git most of his jokes anyhow. He one day pulled my pants off an posted pictures of me all over town with no pants. Another time, he made these brownies, which made me have to take a dump all the time. But his favorite trick was makin prank phone calls on me. He is all the time callin an askin for Prince Albert or Mike Rotch an if my fridge is runnin, however I am always scart to check about my fridge on account of I think that green stuff of Dans is still in there. Ive been kinda scart of food ever since I seen that stuff that was livin in the fridge, which is why you aint heard me talk much bout food no more. Anyhow, I git kinda sick of the phony calls an so what I do is give him some phony phone number an tell him it is my new phone number.
Just bout that time, it was bout time for us to take another one of them free trips. This time, me, Dan, Forrest 2, an Wanda is goin to the North Pole to meet good ole St. Nick hisself. Little was I to know that the number I made up for Larry is really the number for Santa Claus hisself. Well, I guess Larry mustve made a whole lot of phony calls on Santa on account of when we git there, St. Nick has gone nuts! He decided to kill all his elves an reindeer an everone else. Even good ole Wanda got shot in the buttox again. Well, hes flyin in his sled blowin everone up an so what I do is I go out an start swingin from the trees doin my George of the Jungle impression an I kick Santa in the head an he dies.
Well, now I make even more money than I ever has an since they decided that I saved the world again, theyd give me Santas workshop. Plus, Bob Saget decided to show the video of Santa shootin Wanda in the buttox on his funniest videos show an we win the grand prize! Now me an Dan an Forrest 2 an good ole Wanda is livin up in the North Pole. Well, once again I have got a lot of time to think bout Yoda an Mr. Frump an Seymore an Bubba an Mama an Jenny Curran an Lisa Frump. I am wishin that I hadnt tole Lisa what I did. I am also hopin that she would come back to me. But before too long, a new saga would begin.
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Coming soon.....Chapter 12: (Not-So) Good Advice
Larry, Santa, an the Amish
Well, since I been watchin so much tee vee, I start gettin real sick of it. In fact, I is gettin of sick of teknoligee in general that I just one day decided that Id leave Leutenint Dan an Forrest 2 in charge of the wafflin bidness an Id move to Lancaster, Pennsylvania an become an Amish.
Now, let me say this:Bein Amish is no box of chocolates. It is a real hard thing to do. They is all the time makin us pray with these little bibles like we had when me an Mama used to go to church. An when you isnt prayin you is milkin cows or plowin fields or feedin animals or buildin barns or sellin quilts. Also, we is always wearin black coats with no buttons an hats an long beards an the tourist is always laughin at us, but we is not supposed to punch em in the nose. Now, even my new friend, Ezikeil, tells me that Ive gone nuts from all the milkin an plowin, which I think is true on account of I start havin these crazy dreams like I did when I was in the Nut House with Dr. Jackson, except they is no Vanna White this time. Now, I am dreamin bout the Tucky Fried Chicken guy an mailin letters to Forrest 2 an bein abducted by aliens an all kinds of other crazy stuff. Also, I git this letter from Forrest 2 saying that the Wafflin bidness has done bust! So, I finally decided to quit the whole Amish bull an go back home.
The first thing I did, after gettin my old job at Big Roys Heating an Plumbing back, was to go to the dentist cause they aint got too great of dentists in Lancaster an my teeth have gotten kinda cruddy. It turned out I had twelve cavities an had to git drilt up good. An boy did it hurt! It was so painful I couldnt hardly hear the Muzak. However, I could hear it once while they wasnt drillin an damn if they aint playin that stupid Achy Breaky song again, which made the whole thing even more painful. It is still hurtin in the mornin so I has to call in sick an stay home all day.
So since I had all this free time, what I did was listened to a bunch of my Alternative CDs like Alanis Morresette, an R.E.M. an Green Day an Soundgarden an Stone Temple Pilots. However, I could not seem to find my Weezer CD, which I guess is okay on account of they kinda stink anyway. Also, I git to thinking bout Lisa Frump again. I really missed her. So I called her up an tole her how miserable I has been since shes been gone. An would you believe it? She done come back to me again.
When Lisa come back to me she brought me a present. It is a CD by Weird Al Yankovic. What he does is he take cruddy songs which aint make no sense an makes em so they make sense. Anyhow, they is this song on there which is called Gump an is all about me! I guess Weird Al mustve heard bout me in the newspapers or somethin. It is a pretty good song. Although why he would want to write a song bout a idiot, I do not know. Anyhow, the song is kinda sad on account of he talks bout Bubba an Mama an Jenny. That got me thinkin bout Jenny again. Its been so long since she died an I really miss her a lot. There wasnt anybody ever like Jenny Curran. Well thinkin bout Jenny made me start comparing Jenny to Lisa an I suddenly realized how crummy Lisa is compared to Jenny.
Well, one day I tole Lisa how sick I am of her an well, she just left me again. An I think she took some of my Alternative CDs on account of I cant find my Pearl Jam CD now. Now, since I is alone again I find myself watchin a whole lot of tee vee again. That is all I do is work at Big Roys an watch tee vee. I mostly like the syndicated shows like Regis and Kathy Lee an Wheel of Fortune an Hard Copy.
Now one day when I is watchin Regis an Kathy Lee, my tee vee just blowed up. I dint know what to do. I couldnt figure out how my tee vee just blowed up like that, but then I find out that it was blowed up by my new neighbor, Larry. Now Larry was a swell guy I suppose, but he is all the time playin tricks on me. I guess it is on account of I am a idiot an dont git most of his jokes anyhow. He one day pulled my pants off an posted pictures of me all over town with no pants. Another time, he made these brownies, which made me have to take a dump all the time. But his favorite trick was makin prank phone calls on me. He is all the time callin an askin for Prince Albert or Mike Rotch an if my fridge is runnin, however I am always scart to check about my fridge on account of I think that green stuff of Dans is still in there. Ive been kinda scart of food ever since I seen that stuff that was livin in the fridge, which is why you aint heard me talk much bout food no more. Anyhow, I git kinda sick of the phony calls an so what I do is give him some phony phone number an tell him it is my new phone number.
Just bout that time, it was bout time for us to take another one of them free trips. This time, me, Dan, Forrest 2, an Wanda is goin to the North Pole to meet good ole St. Nick hisself. Little was I to know that the number I made up for Larry is really the number for Santa Claus hisself. Well, I guess Larry mustve made a whole lot of phony calls on Santa on account of when we git there, St. Nick has gone nuts! He decided to kill all his elves an reindeer an everone else. Even good ole Wanda got shot in the buttox again. Well, hes flyin in his sled blowin everone up an so what I do is I go out an start swingin from the trees doin my George of the Jungle impression an I kick Santa in the head an he dies.
Well, now I make even more money than I ever has an since they decided that I saved the world again, theyd give me Santas workshop. Plus, Bob Saget decided to show the video of Santa shootin Wanda in the buttox on his funniest videos show an we win the grand prize! Now me an Dan an Forrest 2 an good ole Wanda is livin up in the North Pole. Well, once again I have got a lot of time to think bout Yoda an Mr. Frump an Seymore an Bubba an Mama an Jenny Curran an Lisa Frump. I am wishin that I hadnt tole Lisa what I did. I am also hopin that she would come back to me. But before too long, a new saga would begin.
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Coming soon.....Chapter 12: (Not-So) Good Advice
-
Bruce the Duck
- Deliriously Dedicated
- Posts: 25029
- Joined: Sat Apr 26, 2003 3:49 am
- Location: Here
Chapter 12
(Not So) Good Advice
I tell you. Waitin aroun has got to be the borinest thing on the planet. Thats just what I did for three whole years. Just waitin for somethin new to happen. Eventually it just got real boring sittin up in the North Pole. The Elves would be makin toys an once a year Id git to deliver em, but the rest of the year I am just sittin roun doin nothin. Well, I got tired of the whole toy bidness an decided to find a new job. I left Forrest 2 an Leutenint Dan in charge of the toy shop. I had a hard time tryin to find a new job until I was at this movie bout James Bond, except in this movie James Bond was a old man with white, silvery hair. Well, this gave me the idea that I should become a spy! I figured I got lots of trainin from being in Vietnam an from savin the planet all them times, so I just went an made myself a private investigator.
My first job as a dick (which is what I am called when I is spyin and such) was workin for this guy who was one of them Star Wars geeks you see dressed as Chewbacca standin outside the theater whenever a new Star Wars movie come out. He was excited cause they was a new Star Wars movie comin out soon, which I thought was weird cause all them actors is so old now. Anyhow, he hired me to spy on the filming of the movie so he could know whats happenin before he sees the movie. So I take the job an go to spy on Star Wars.
Now, let me tell you, that movie looks like a bunch of crap. All I saw when I was there was people walkin aroun an everthing around them is blue. The lightsabers they is usin to fight are just some stupid sticks. Worst of all, they got this little tiny kid playin Darth Vader. Now, I seen Star Wars an Darth Vader is one scary sombitch, but in this movie he is just some little kid. Who would be scart of Darth Vader if they knew he was just a little kid? Well it was just bout that time when the security guards started chasin me aroun and tryin to kick me out of the movie set.
The security guards was chasin me an I had to escape, so I hid in the wardrobe department. Once the guards was gone, I noticed that they was a bunch of women puttin on costumes for the movie. An would you believe it? One of them extras was none other than Lisa Frump herself. Well, I tole Lisa that the guards was chasin me so she helped me escape by givin me this stupid lookin alien costume to wear. I snuck back onto the set wearin my alien costume an thats when I saw George Lucas hisself. He came over to me an looked at me all roun. Finally, he startid smiling an asked if I wanted to be in his movie. I tole him I is not much of a actor an he says that the character I am playin is real easy to play cause he is just a idiot. Well, I say that should be easy for me on account of I am a idiot too! So thats how I got the part of Jar Jar Binks in Star Wars.
Well, after the shootin was over, Lisa was so proud of me that she done came back to me again an we went home. I soon found out that it was her that took my Pearl Jam CD afterall, cause now she is all the time playing Pearl Jam CDs an goin to Pearl Jam concerts. She even has a Eddie Vedder poster on her bedroom wall. She is all the time talkin bout Eddie Vedder an how hes so great, an I am feelin like I am nothin but a little weiner to her. Well, I dont want to lose Lisa again, so I decided I needed to get some help with dealin with her.
So first I went to talk to my Rabbi (I switched to bein Jewish after all that bidness with the Amish an Santa Claus). The first thing Rabbi Schwartz did when I went into hi office was he gave me a big ole hunk of cake. Then he put this little beanie on an asked me what the problem was. Well, I tole him all bout the trouble I have had with Lisa an Melanie an Amy an Meagan the Mime, but mostly bout how Lisa is in love with the Pearl Jam guy. He says I should try to do somethin out of the ordinary an spontaneous to impress her. An so I tole him all bout my life an he agrees that I am already very out of the ordinary. So then he says that maybe I should ask her to marry me. Well, this got me real scart. The last time I got married, Melanie stole all my money. But I got married to her anyhow because Rabbi Schwartz said so. But it still didnt matter on account of she was still obsessed with Eddie Vedder.
So, I decided to try to git some other advice. I did the one thing I always do when I am in a pickle an I need to git my mind off of all the crap: watch tee vee! So I went home an turned on the tee vee an you wont believe what I saw. They is that Weird Al Yankovic guy, the one that wrote the song bout me, an he is hostin his own tee vee show. All the time on his show he is tryin to teach a new moral an so I think that maybe they is somethin on one of those shows that could help me. They is shows bout how to deal with bullies, how you should keep promises, an how should always try to do your best, but they is nothin bout what to do when your girlfriend is in love with someone else. So I switch the stashun, and thats when I find it.
It is a whole show bout people whose girlfriends is in love with somebody else! It is called The Jerry Springer Show. At the end of the show they is a phone number for people who want to come on the show to solve their problems, an sure enough I call an get me an Lisa on the show.
Well, first I go on the stage an tell Jerry an the audience bout how Lisa is in love with Eddie Vedder. Then, Lisa comes out an everbody starts booin her an callin her names that I dont want to say. She tells me that she is not in love with me no more an that she loves Eddie Vedder instead. She says she is going to divorce me an take all my money in alimony just like Melanie. Then, Eddie Vedder hisself comes out an starts kissin Lisa. Well, that gits me real mad an I start beatin him up real good. The rest of the show, we is just sittin there while other idiots come out an start fightin each other too. Now, these people are real gross, if you ask me. An when they is sittin next to me I am gettin scart that Im gonna catch some disease.
After I go home, I am all the time worried that I am gonna git sick on account of catchin germs from all them people at the Jerry Springer show. Also, since I am so mad bout Lisa an Eddie Vedder, I throw out all my Alternative CDs an go back to listenin to polka music. It really helped me git over Lisa, listenin to that music. I guess thats just what they call the power of polka. Anyhow, after all that advice I got from Rabbi Schwartz an Weird Al an Jerry Springer, nothing seemed to get better, an I startid thinkin bout Jenny Curran again. They was one kind of advice that Jenny always believed in an that was from the horoscope newspaper. So, I decided to read my horoscope. It said some crap that dont make no sense an could be said bout anybody, but then it said that I should make some changes in my life. An so thats what I did.
Since I had no more money, I decided to git a job in a computer company. I was in charge of deliverin Pentium Processors all over the country. It was a real easy job an I got to see all the new computers when they came out, which was bout ever day! The only bad part bout the job is that, since Lisa took all my money in Alimony I aint got nothin left, not even my own shoes, so I have to wear that ugly pair of Lisas old shoes that she left at my apartment. Now, let me tell you, drivin aroun in high heels is bout the hardest thing I ever done. I dont know how people can wear them things. Its like walkin aroun on toothpicks.
Well, I liked my new job an I am gettin to drive all over the place. But sittin in the truck all day an eatin doughnuts all the time aint no good for you an soon I am gittin as fat as I was when I was in the nut house. My doctor put me on this stupid diet where all I can eat is grapefruits. So here I am drivin aroun all day wearin high heels an with a truck full of computers an grapefruits an soon I just decide that Ive had enough of it all an I just keep drivin an drivin an drivin. Not goin anywhere in particular.
I mustve drove all day ever day for bout a year, livin off grapefruits. Eventually, people startid followin me like they did when I was runnin all the time. They was a whole bunch of cars an motorcycles an buses an trucks followin me all over. Finally, for no particular reason, I just stop. It turns out I stopped in a little town called Albuquerque, New Mexico. But they really isnt much to tell you bout that.
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Coming Soon....Chapter 13: The Greatest Story Ever Told
(Not So) Good Advice
I tell you. Waitin aroun has got to be the borinest thing on the planet. Thats just what I did for three whole years. Just waitin for somethin new to happen. Eventually it just got real boring sittin up in the North Pole. The Elves would be makin toys an once a year Id git to deliver em, but the rest of the year I am just sittin roun doin nothin. Well, I got tired of the whole toy bidness an decided to find a new job. I left Forrest 2 an Leutenint Dan in charge of the toy shop. I had a hard time tryin to find a new job until I was at this movie bout James Bond, except in this movie James Bond was a old man with white, silvery hair. Well, this gave me the idea that I should become a spy! I figured I got lots of trainin from being in Vietnam an from savin the planet all them times, so I just went an made myself a private investigator.
My first job as a dick (which is what I am called when I is spyin and such) was workin for this guy who was one of them Star Wars geeks you see dressed as Chewbacca standin outside the theater whenever a new Star Wars movie come out. He was excited cause they was a new Star Wars movie comin out soon, which I thought was weird cause all them actors is so old now. Anyhow, he hired me to spy on the filming of the movie so he could know whats happenin before he sees the movie. So I take the job an go to spy on Star Wars.
Now, let me tell you, that movie looks like a bunch of crap. All I saw when I was there was people walkin aroun an everthing around them is blue. The lightsabers they is usin to fight are just some stupid sticks. Worst of all, they got this little tiny kid playin Darth Vader. Now, I seen Star Wars an Darth Vader is one scary sombitch, but in this movie he is just some little kid. Who would be scart of Darth Vader if they knew he was just a little kid? Well it was just bout that time when the security guards started chasin me aroun and tryin to kick me out of the movie set.
The security guards was chasin me an I had to escape, so I hid in the wardrobe department. Once the guards was gone, I noticed that they was a bunch of women puttin on costumes for the movie. An would you believe it? One of them extras was none other than Lisa Frump herself. Well, I tole Lisa that the guards was chasin me so she helped me escape by givin me this stupid lookin alien costume to wear. I snuck back onto the set wearin my alien costume an thats when I saw George Lucas hisself. He came over to me an looked at me all roun. Finally, he startid smiling an asked if I wanted to be in his movie. I tole him I is not much of a actor an he says that the character I am playin is real easy to play cause he is just a idiot. Well, I say that should be easy for me on account of I am a idiot too! So thats how I got the part of Jar Jar Binks in Star Wars.
Well, after the shootin was over, Lisa was so proud of me that she done came back to me again an we went home. I soon found out that it was her that took my Pearl Jam CD afterall, cause now she is all the time playing Pearl Jam CDs an goin to Pearl Jam concerts. She even has a Eddie Vedder poster on her bedroom wall. She is all the time talkin bout Eddie Vedder an how hes so great, an I am feelin like I am nothin but a little weiner to her. Well, I dont want to lose Lisa again, so I decided I needed to get some help with dealin with her.
So first I went to talk to my Rabbi (I switched to bein Jewish after all that bidness with the Amish an Santa Claus). The first thing Rabbi Schwartz did when I went into hi office was he gave me a big ole hunk of cake. Then he put this little beanie on an asked me what the problem was. Well, I tole him all bout the trouble I have had with Lisa an Melanie an Amy an Meagan the Mime, but mostly bout how Lisa is in love with the Pearl Jam guy. He says I should try to do somethin out of the ordinary an spontaneous to impress her. An so I tole him all bout my life an he agrees that I am already very out of the ordinary. So then he says that maybe I should ask her to marry me. Well, this got me real scart. The last time I got married, Melanie stole all my money. But I got married to her anyhow because Rabbi Schwartz said so. But it still didnt matter on account of she was still obsessed with Eddie Vedder.
So, I decided to try to git some other advice. I did the one thing I always do when I am in a pickle an I need to git my mind off of all the crap: watch tee vee! So I went home an turned on the tee vee an you wont believe what I saw. They is that Weird Al Yankovic guy, the one that wrote the song bout me, an he is hostin his own tee vee show. All the time on his show he is tryin to teach a new moral an so I think that maybe they is somethin on one of those shows that could help me. They is shows bout how to deal with bullies, how you should keep promises, an how should always try to do your best, but they is nothin bout what to do when your girlfriend is in love with someone else. So I switch the stashun, and thats when I find it.
It is a whole show bout people whose girlfriends is in love with somebody else! It is called The Jerry Springer Show. At the end of the show they is a phone number for people who want to come on the show to solve their problems, an sure enough I call an get me an Lisa on the show.
Well, first I go on the stage an tell Jerry an the audience bout how Lisa is in love with Eddie Vedder. Then, Lisa comes out an everbody starts booin her an callin her names that I dont want to say. She tells me that she is not in love with me no more an that she loves Eddie Vedder instead. She says she is going to divorce me an take all my money in alimony just like Melanie. Then, Eddie Vedder hisself comes out an starts kissin Lisa. Well, that gits me real mad an I start beatin him up real good. The rest of the show, we is just sittin there while other idiots come out an start fightin each other too. Now, these people are real gross, if you ask me. An when they is sittin next to me I am gettin scart that Im gonna catch some disease.
After I go home, I am all the time worried that I am gonna git sick on account of catchin germs from all them people at the Jerry Springer show. Also, since I am so mad bout Lisa an Eddie Vedder, I throw out all my Alternative CDs an go back to listenin to polka music. It really helped me git over Lisa, listenin to that music. I guess thats just what they call the power of polka. Anyhow, after all that advice I got from Rabbi Schwartz an Weird Al an Jerry Springer, nothing seemed to get better, an I startid thinkin bout Jenny Curran again. They was one kind of advice that Jenny always believed in an that was from the horoscope newspaper. So, I decided to read my horoscope. It said some crap that dont make no sense an could be said bout anybody, but then it said that I should make some changes in my life. An so thats what I did.
Since I had no more money, I decided to git a job in a computer company. I was in charge of deliverin Pentium Processors all over the country. It was a real easy job an I got to see all the new computers when they came out, which was bout ever day! The only bad part bout the job is that, since Lisa took all my money in Alimony I aint got nothin left, not even my own shoes, so I have to wear that ugly pair of Lisas old shoes that she left at my apartment. Now, let me tell you, drivin aroun in high heels is bout the hardest thing I ever done. I dont know how people can wear them things. Its like walkin aroun on toothpicks.
Well, I liked my new job an I am gettin to drive all over the place. But sittin in the truck all day an eatin doughnuts all the time aint no good for you an soon I am gittin as fat as I was when I was in the nut house. My doctor put me on this stupid diet where all I can eat is grapefruits. So here I am drivin aroun all day wearin high heels an with a truck full of computers an grapefruits an soon I just decide that Ive had enough of it all an I just keep drivin an drivin an drivin. Not goin anywhere in particular.
I mustve drove all day ever day for bout a year, livin off grapefruits. Eventually, people startid followin me like they did when I was runnin all the time. They was a whole bunch of cars an motorcycles an buses an trucks followin me all over. Finally, for no particular reason, I just stop. It turns out I stopped in a little town called Albuquerque, New Mexico. But they really isnt much to tell you bout that.
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Coming Soon....Chapter 13: The Greatest Story Ever Told
-
Bruce the Duck
- Deliriously Dedicated
- Posts: 25029
- Joined: Sat Apr 26, 2003 3:49 am
- Location: Here
Chapter 13
The Greatest Story Ever Told
I was so sick of all the bidness with Lisa an the truckin job an the grapefruits that I just decided Id stay in Albuquerque for good. Let me tell you this: Albuquerque aint no fun at all. I didnt do nothin the whole time I was there. It was real borin. I just kinda sat on my butt doin nothin for four whole years. What a waste of time!
Bout the only thing I did was I startid collectin these Pokemon cards. They is kinda like baseball cards, except instead of baseball players, they has got all these strange little animals on them with some stupid Japineese writin. I has collected bout 127 of them cards, like Squirtle an Bulbusaur an Pikachu an Zaptos an Charmeleon an Mr. Mime an Crabby an Slowking an Elekid an Ponyta an bout a billion others.
Yup. Thats bout the only thing what happened in the whole four years. Oh yeah, an I went to see this movie bout Pokemon. I have to say, thats bout the greatest story Ive ever heard told!
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Coming Soon....Chapter 14: Lepers Repel an Poor Dan Is In A Droop
The Greatest Story Ever Told
I was so sick of all the bidness with Lisa an the truckin job an the grapefruits that I just decided Id stay in Albuquerque for good. Let me tell you this: Albuquerque aint no fun at all. I didnt do nothin the whole time I was there. It was real borin. I just kinda sat on my butt doin nothin for four whole years. What a waste of time!
Bout the only thing I did was I startid collectin these Pokemon cards. They is kinda like baseball cards, except instead of baseball players, they has got all these strange little animals on them with some stupid Japineese writin. I has collected bout 127 of them cards, like Squirtle an Bulbusaur an Pikachu an Zaptos an Charmeleon an Mr. Mime an Crabby an Slowking an Elekid an Ponyta an bout a billion others.
Yup. Thats bout the only thing what happened in the whole four years. Oh yeah, an I went to see this movie bout Pokemon. I have to say, thats bout the greatest story Ive ever heard told!
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Coming Soon....Chapter 14: Lepers Repel an Poor Dan Is In A Droop
-
Bruce the Duck
- Deliriously Dedicated
- Posts: 25029
- Joined: Sat Apr 26, 2003 3:49 am
- Location: Here
Chapter 14
Lepers Repel an Poor Dan Is In A Droop
Now you been listenin to my story for a long time, so I probably dont need to tell you what I do when they is nothin else to do. Thats right I get to watchin tee vee again. But this time I aint watchin all those old sitcoms. Instead I is hooked on these new realutee shows. They is this one with this British sombitch who is all the time tellin people what terrible singers they are. Then they is another show bout this heavy metal rock star who is now a complete nut an cant even work his remote control. He makes me feel like I am smart. Then, I am watchin Survivor an Fear Factor an the Amazin Race. One time I watched this show called Will and Grace. Now all the time my tee vee thinks I want to watch shows about gay people. I am just about ready to smash my tee vee screen in when I see this commercial for a new store. It is a hardware store called Ill Repair For You. Now the commercial sounds real friendly an so I decide maybe I can just go an buy a new tee vee that dont think Im gay.
So I went to the store on openin day an walked aroun for hours. Its amazing how much stuff they had in that store. They had trash compactors, juice extractors, toilet seats, electric heaters, an bout 27,000,000 other things. But they dint have any tee vees. What I did find, though was Leutenint Dan hisself! He was in some strange contraption to help him git aroun an account of he aint got no legs or arms. He is bustin just to see me. We git to talkin bout everthing that happened since I left the North Pole. It turns out, Forrest 2 has got hisself all fat like I did an now he is bein Santa Claus all by hisself. Leutenint Dan decided to move with Wanda down to New Mexico on account of he heard they is a place down there where he could meet more people who is missing body parts. I am real happy for Dan an I tell him so. He ast me if he can borrow some money for some new wheels, but I tell him all I got is five dollars. Then he invites me to this party Saturday night with his new friends. Since I aint got nothin to do except watch the gay shows my tee vee picks out for me, I saw Ill come. He says I should dress real nice on account of it is a real nice party an I might meet some nice girl there.
So I go home an try to find my very best suit. But unfortunately since I been doin nothing but watchin tee vee an collectin Pokemon cards for four years, my apartment is a big mess. They is garbage everwhere an it takes about all day just to find my nice white suit. Finally, I find it an get ready for the party, but I cant help noticin this strange smell from somewhere.
Well, when I git to the party I am very surprised because almost everone there is missin a body part. Some is missin legs an arms like Dan, but others is missin eyes, ears, noses, butts, an other things I aint gonna talk bout. It is real gross lookin at all these people with missin parts. It kind of reminds me of that Fear Factor tee vee show. Anyhow, they has got this band at the party who is all a bunch of angry white boys. An they are up on the stage yellin an screamin bout somethin, which I dont understand cause I think the people with missin parts should be the ones upset. But then they start playin some polka music an I am very happy. I start dancin with this one girl but her foot falls off in the middle of the song. I start dancin with another girl an her eyes fall out an right down her dress. Then I turn aroun to dance with another girl an who do I see but Lisa Frump herself!
I said to Lisa, I dint know you was a leper. An she tells me that she is not a leper, she just came to the party on account of she heard this band was playin at it. It turns out that Eddie Vedder left Lisa, an now she is a fan of this angry white boy band. For most of the party she is just starin at the band. Dan came over to me an he says I should try to win her over. I say, What can I do? She only likes them singers. An he reminds me that I ust to be in a band with him. So I git the idea to go out on the dance floor in my white suit an sing a song to win Lisa back. I sing bout how her eyes is so blue that they look like my toilet water an bout how I love her like diarrea an bout how shes got Yugoslavian hands an do you know what? She was so impressed that she forgot all bout them angry white boys an came back to me.
I am pleased as punch, except that my suit smelt so bad from being under all that trash in my apartment that everbody at the party passed out an I had to take all the extra pizza home with me. I was eatin pizza everday, not cause I liked it but on account of I had to git rid of it. I ate so much that I got all constapaded. When Lisa came over, I was feelin kinda sick from all the pizza, but she gave me some pepto bismol an I am feelin better. I was just so happy sittin there on the couch with Lisa. Havin her an Dan an Wanda back made me so happy I is about to bust! But then, I saw somethin that changed my life forever. On Lisas thigh they was the Gump family crest. The same one that me an Mama an Forrest 2 had. I dint understand why Lisa had that crest. So I said, How come you got the Gump family crest on you? An she says that it is the Frump family crest, at least thats what her dad tole her. I thought bout this for a while then I remembered Mr. Frump couldnt talk, he could just make that stupid noise. She misheard her dad all that time an her name was actually Lisa GUMP! Lisa is my cousin all along!
Well, I dint know what to do so I ast Leutenint Dan. He says maybe we could move to Alabama so I could marry my cousin. But dont think that is a good idea. I am real upset bout the whole thing, so Leutenint Dan takes me to a amusement park. We go on this roller coaster to cheer me up. Well, let me tell you! It does not cheer me up one bit on account of when we is wheelin aroun Dan rises out of his seat an gits his head knocked off! Now Leutenint Dan is just a big stump with no legs, no arms, an no head an Lisa is my cousin. I am thinkin that things cant possibly git any worse, but then I remember that Dan still owes me 5 dollars. This has got to be the worst thing that has ever happind cause I really needed that 5 dollars. I just dont know why all this bad stuff always has to happen to me, but I am thinkin maybe it is cause I am a idiot.
Well, now I aint got noone to talk to anymore. Lisa is thinkin it is strange to be roun me an account of how we was in love an we is cousin. Dan cant talk on account of he aint got a head. Wanda cant talk to me cause she is a pig. An I cant even call Forrest 2 on account of Santa blew up the phone lines after Larry made all them stupid phone calls to him. Also, I cant watch tee vee anymore on account of my tee vee still thinks I am gay, which I am thinkin I might as well be with my luck with women.
So, just cause I aint got anything to do, I decide to go see a movie. It is a movie bout this kid who is in love with his neighbor an so what he does is he dresses up in spandex an starts swingin aroun like George of the Jungle. He beats up this green guy who looks like one of them Power Rangers. It is a okay movie except they has got this one line that they keep repeatin over an over. I hate when movies do that crap. An thats all I got to say bout that.
But when I was leavin the movie theater, who did I run into but Bob the Janitor hisself! I was bustin just to see somebody that I could talk to. I tell him all bout my bad luck recently. When I tell him bout how I aint got no more money, he says, Evil olive. Gift fig. Fleece Elf. Kayak. Lion oil. Lonely Tylenol. UFO tofu. Party booby trap. Peanuts Legs is Gels Tuna EP. Racecar. Solo gigolos. Straw warts. Taco cat. Tango gnat. Dumb mud. Bird rib. Tuna nut. A Santa at Nasa.
When I ast him what is all that crap he is talkin bout, he says it is all stuff that he sold on this computer website called eBay. It is a place where you can take any piece of crap that you want an sell it for a bunch of money. Bob says he quit his janitor job an now he is makin all his money from sellin crap on eBay. So I decide that is a good idea. I go home an git one of the Pentium computers out of my truck, hook up the Internet, an start sellin crap. I sell the piece of snot I showed to Ricky Ricardo, a picture of me on Jeopardy, some leftover suede accordian cases, my awards from savin the planet from aliens, hamsters, an Santa, my old cable tee vee, those ugly shoes of Lisas, signs from my old stores, like Waffle King, Lasagna Twins, and King of Suede, my Velvet Elvis picture, my Twister game, the dental floss I used to catch Seymore the Wolf, a picture of me with the Twine Ball, CDs from my old band, Nirvana, my old gun, a picture of me at Jurassic Park, my Fred Flintstone costume an car, my stupid Weezer CD, which I finally found, my Weird Al Yankovic CD, a picture of me at the North Pole, the spy tape I made of the Star Wars movie, my Jar Jar Binks costume, my Alternative CDs, all them extra Pentiums in my truck, all my Pokemon cards, my stupid tee vee that thinks Im gay, my white suit which still smells on account of the garbage, an some signed pictures of the Prince an Prince of England, Ricky Ricardo, Mr. Popeil, Don Pardo, Art Fleming, Diamond Jim, Johnny Carson, Ed McMahon, Bob Saget, Ian Malcolm, John Hammond, Santa Claus, George Lucas, Rabbi Schwartz, an Jerry Springer.
I make bout a billion dollars sellin all that crap an now I am happy again! Lisa is talkin to me again except now we is just friends on account of us bein cousins an all. Bob an me went into bidness together sellin crap on eBay. Leutenint Dan is learning how to git along without any body parts. Wanda is, well, I suppose Wanda is as Wanda does. She is still a pig, anyway. Even good ole Forrest 2 gits hisself a break from makin toys an decides to come visit us. We are so happy we all decide to take another one of them free trips together. This time, we go to France.
Let me say this, French people is the nicest people I ever met. They is all the time followin me aroun takin pictures an wantin my autograph. I guess they heard bout me being a table tennis champion or bout me savin the world all them times. Now I have said it afore an Ill say it again. I am a idiot. An bein a idiot is no box of chocolates. But at least I aint led no hum-drum life. An the people in France must agree with that on account of they dont think Im a idiot at all. They think I am a genius.
We like it so much in France, that we all just decide to stay there for a good long time. Me, Dan, Lisa, Forrest 2, Bob, an goog ole Wanda. One big happy family.
But then, one day it all changed forever. I went outside one day to git the newspaper and you wouldnt believe what I saw!
TO BE CONTINUED
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Coming soon (I hope).....Chapter 15: Yet to be Titled
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Lepers Repel an Poor Dan Is In A Droop
Now you been listenin to my story for a long time, so I probably dont need to tell you what I do when they is nothin else to do. Thats right I get to watchin tee vee again. But this time I aint watchin all those old sitcoms. Instead I is hooked on these new realutee shows. They is this one with this British sombitch who is all the time tellin people what terrible singers they are. Then they is another show bout this heavy metal rock star who is now a complete nut an cant even work his remote control. He makes me feel like I am smart. Then, I am watchin Survivor an Fear Factor an the Amazin Race. One time I watched this show called Will and Grace. Now all the time my tee vee thinks I want to watch shows about gay people. I am just about ready to smash my tee vee screen in when I see this commercial for a new store. It is a hardware store called Ill Repair For You. Now the commercial sounds real friendly an so I decide maybe I can just go an buy a new tee vee that dont think Im gay.
So I went to the store on openin day an walked aroun for hours. Its amazing how much stuff they had in that store. They had trash compactors, juice extractors, toilet seats, electric heaters, an bout 27,000,000 other things. But they dint have any tee vees. What I did find, though was Leutenint Dan hisself! He was in some strange contraption to help him git aroun an account of he aint got no legs or arms. He is bustin just to see me. We git to talkin bout everthing that happened since I left the North Pole. It turns out, Forrest 2 has got hisself all fat like I did an now he is bein Santa Claus all by hisself. Leutenint Dan decided to move with Wanda down to New Mexico on account of he heard they is a place down there where he could meet more people who is missing body parts. I am real happy for Dan an I tell him so. He ast me if he can borrow some money for some new wheels, but I tell him all I got is five dollars. Then he invites me to this party Saturday night with his new friends. Since I aint got nothin to do except watch the gay shows my tee vee picks out for me, I saw Ill come. He says I should dress real nice on account of it is a real nice party an I might meet some nice girl there.
So I go home an try to find my very best suit. But unfortunately since I been doin nothing but watchin tee vee an collectin Pokemon cards for four years, my apartment is a big mess. They is garbage everwhere an it takes about all day just to find my nice white suit. Finally, I find it an get ready for the party, but I cant help noticin this strange smell from somewhere.
Well, when I git to the party I am very surprised because almost everone there is missin a body part. Some is missin legs an arms like Dan, but others is missin eyes, ears, noses, butts, an other things I aint gonna talk bout. It is real gross lookin at all these people with missin parts. It kind of reminds me of that Fear Factor tee vee show. Anyhow, they has got this band at the party who is all a bunch of angry white boys. An they are up on the stage yellin an screamin bout somethin, which I dont understand cause I think the people with missin parts should be the ones upset. But then they start playin some polka music an I am very happy. I start dancin with this one girl but her foot falls off in the middle of the song. I start dancin with another girl an her eyes fall out an right down her dress. Then I turn aroun to dance with another girl an who do I see but Lisa Frump herself!
I said to Lisa, I dint know you was a leper. An she tells me that she is not a leper, she just came to the party on account of she heard this band was playin at it. It turns out that Eddie Vedder left Lisa, an now she is a fan of this angry white boy band. For most of the party she is just starin at the band. Dan came over to me an he says I should try to win her over. I say, What can I do? She only likes them singers. An he reminds me that I ust to be in a band with him. So I git the idea to go out on the dance floor in my white suit an sing a song to win Lisa back. I sing bout how her eyes is so blue that they look like my toilet water an bout how I love her like diarrea an bout how shes got Yugoslavian hands an do you know what? She was so impressed that she forgot all bout them angry white boys an came back to me.
I am pleased as punch, except that my suit smelt so bad from being under all that trash in my apartment that everbody at the party passed out an I had to take all the extra pizza home with me. I was eatin pizza everday, not cause I liked it but on account of I had to git rid of it. I ate so much that I got all constapaded. When Lisa came over, I was feelin kinda sick from all the pizza, but she gave me some pepto bismol an I am feelin better. I was just so happy sittin there on the couch with Lisa. Havin her an Dan an Wanda back made me so happy I is about to bust! But then, I saw somethin that changed my life forever. On Lisas thigh they was the Gump family crest. The same one that me an Mama an Forrest 2 had. I dint understand why Lisa had that crest. So I said, How come you got the Gump family crest on you? An she says that it is the Frump family crest, at least thats what her dad tole her. I thought bout this for a while then I remembered Mr. Frump couldnt talk, he could just make that stupid noise. She misheard her dad all that time an her name was actually Lisa GUMP! Lisa is my cousin all along!
Well, I dint know what to do so I ast Leutenint Dan. He says maybe we could move to Alabama so I could marry my cousin. But dont think that is a good idea. I am real upset bout the whole thing, so Leutenint Dan takes me to a amusement park. We go on this roller coaster to cheer me up. Well, let me tell you! It does not cheer me up one bit on account of when we is wheelin aroun Dan rises out of his seat an gits his head knocked off! Now Leutenint Dan is just a big stump with no legs, no arms, an no head an Lisa is my cousin. I am thinkin that things cant possibly git any worse, but then I remember that Dan still owes me 5 dollars. This has got to be the worst thing that has ever happind cause I really needed that 5 dollars. I just dont know why all this bad stuff always has to happen to me, but I am thinkin maybe it is cause I am a idiot.
Well, now I aint got noone to talk to anymore. Lisa is thinkin it is strange to be roun me an account of how we was in love an we is cousin. Dan cant talk on account of he aint got a head. Wanda cant talk to me cause she is a pig. An I cant even call Forrest 2 on account of Santa blew up the phone lines after Larry made all them stupid phone calls to him. Also, I cant watch tee vee anymore on account of my tee vee still thinks I am gay, which I am thinkin I might as well be with my luck with women.
So, just cause I aint got anything to do, I decide to go see a movie. It is a movie bout this kid who is in love with his neighbor an so what he does is he dresses up in spandex an starts swingin aroun like George of the Jungle. He beats up this green guy who looks like one of them Power Rangers. It is a okay movie except they has got this one line that they keep repeatin over an over. I hate when movies do that crap. An thats all I got to say bout that.
But when I was leavin the movie theater, who did I run into but Bob the Janitor hisself! I was bustin just to see somebody that I could talk to. I tell him all bout my bad luck recently. When I tell him bout how I aint got no more money, he says, Evil olive. Gift fig. Fleece Elf. Kayak. Lion oil. Lonely Tylenol. UFO tofu. Party booby trap. Peanuts Legs is Gels Tuna EP. Racecar. Solo gigolos. Straw warts. Taco cat. Tango gnat. Dumb mud. Bird rib. Tuna nut. A Santa at Nasa.
When I ast him what is all that crap he is talkin bout, he says it is all stuff that he sold on this computer website called eBay. It is a place where you can take any piece of crap that you want an sell it for a bunch of money. Bob says he quit his janitor job an now he is makin all his money from sellin crap on eBay. So I decide that is a good idea. I go home an git one of the Pentium computers out of my truck, hook up the Internet, an start sellin crap. I sell the piece of snot I showed to Ricky Ricardo, a picture of me on Jeopardy, some leftover suede accordian cases, my awards from savin the planet from aliens, hamsters, an Santa, my old cable tee vee, those ugly shoes of Lisas, signs from my old stores, like Waffle King, Lasagna Twins, and King of Suede, my Velvet Elvis picture, my Twister game, the dental floss I used to catch Seymore the Wolf, a picture of me with the Twine Ball, CDs from my old band, Nirvana, my old gun, a picture of me at Jurassic Park, my Fred Flintstone costume an car, my stupid Weezer CD, which I finally found, my Weird Al Yankovic CD, a picture of me at the North Pole, the spy tape I made of the Star Wars movie, my Jar Jar Binks costume, my Alternative CDs, all them extra Pentiums in my truck, all my Pokemon cards, my stupid tee vee that thinks Im gay, my white suit which still smells on account of the garbage, an some signed pictures of the Prince an Prince of England, Ricky Ricardo, Mr. Popeil, Don Pardo, Art Fleming, Diamond Jim, Johnny Carson, Ed McMahon, Bob Saget, Ian Malcolm, John Hammond, Santa Claus, George Lucas, Rabbi Schwartz, an Jerry Springer.
I make bout a billion dollars sellin all that crap an now I am happy again! Lisa is talkin to me again except now we is just friends on account of us bein cousins an all. Bob an me went into bidness together sellin crap on eBay. Leutenint Dan is learning how to git along without any body parts. Wanda is, well, I suppose Wanda is as Wanda does. She is still a pig, anyway. Even good ole Forrest 2 gits hisself a break from makin toys an decides to come visit us. We are so happy we all decide to take another one of them free trips together. This time, we go to France.
Let me say this, French people is the nicest people I ever met. They is all the time followin me aroun takin pictures an wantin my autograph. I guess they heard bout me being a table tennis champion or bout me savin the world all them times. Now I have said it afore an Ill say it again. I am a idiot. An bein a idiot is no box of chocolates. But at least I aint led no hum-drum life. An the people in France must agree with that on account of they dont think Im a idiot at all. They think I am a genius.
We like it so much in France, that we all just decide to stay there for a good long time. Me, Dan, Lisa, Forrest 2, Bob, an goog ole Wanda. One big happy family.
But then, one day it all changed forever. I went outside one day to git the newspaper and you wouldnt believe what I saw!
TO BE CONTINUED
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Coming soon (I hope).....Chapter 15: Yet to be Titled
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
-
Bruce the Duck
- Deliriously Dedicated
- Posts: 25029
- Joined: Sat Apr 26, 2003 3:49 am
- Location: Here
Well, that's it! 
How did you like it? Please post comments or reviews below!
Oh, and if you liked this story, then I HIGHLY reccomend you check out these fine items:
Forrest Gump Novel by Winston Groom
Gump & Co. Novel by Winston Groom
Forrest Gump DVD Starring Tom Hanks and Directed by Robert Zemekis
Forrest Gump - Original Motion Picture Soundtrack
Thanks for reading my story!
How did you like it? Please post comments or reviews below! Oh, and if you liked this story, then I HIGHLY reccomend you check out these fine items:
Forrest Gump Novel by Winston Groom
Gump & Co. Novel by Winston Groom
Forrest Gump DVD Starring Tom Hanks and Directed by Robert Zemekis
Forrest Gump - Original Motion Picture Soundtrack
Thanks for reading my story!
-
Elvis
- Be jealous.
- Posts: 16296
- Joined: Sat Nov 03, 2001 2:00 am
- Awards: Best Admin
- Location: Palace of Wisdom
- Contact:
Oh, and if you liked this story, then I HIGHLY reccomend you check out these fine items
And remember to order them through the Amazon link on the main page of the Forum!!!
Bruce, I really like it!
I especially like how you not only worked in every song on every CD, but did so in order they appear and still made the story make sense from paragraph to paragraph. There were a few lines that made reference to inside jokes that really made me laugh out loud (e.g. but not Weezer, they suck). I really liked how in the early chapters you'd have Gump doing something (like having his Pearl Jam CDs stolen) then a few chapters later, you work it in to the story.
This is a great story. It must have taken a while to write. Some of the references probably would be lost for non-Al fans, but any Al fan would really enjoy it.
Where did the name Wanda come from though? Is that an Al referene?
Can't wait for chapter 15!
Dave
UFLM! Unverified Fan Lives Matter!
-
Bruce the Duck
- Deliriously Dedicated
- Posts: 25029
- Joined: Sat Apr 26, 2003 3:49 am
- Location: Here
To be honest, I don't remember where I got the name Wanda from. 
I wrote most of the story in 1996. I think it was reference to something from the original Forrest Gump novel, but I'm not sure.
BTW, I'm also a fan of Will Smith (even though he dissed the whole gender of rap). Hidden somewhere in the story is a very subtle and obscure reference to Will Smith that only someone who has heard both Al's and Smith's music would catch. 270 weird points to the first person to find the reference! :biggrin:
I wrote most of the story in 1996. I think it was reference to something from the original Forrest Gump novel, but I'm not sure. BTW, I'm also a fan of Will Smith (even though he dissed the whole gender of rap). Hidden somewhere in the story is a very subtle and obscure reference to Will Smith that only someone who has heard both Al's and Smith's music would catch. 270 weird points to the first person to find the reference! :biggrin: