The Suedin Bidness
All of a suddin I git real depressed an I wouldnt eat or drink or nothin. Leutenint Dan came over an he is tellin me to eat, but I am just too sad on account of Mr. Frump dyin to eat. Besides, since I aint eatin nothin in a few days, all my food has gone bad. So, Dan, he takes me to the grocery store to get more food. While we is in the register lane, I am tellin Dan, Lisa lef me an I am broke an Mama an Bubba an Jenny an Mr. Frump has all died. All I have lef is you, Leutenint Dan. Then afore Dan could say anything I saw this tabloid magazine called Midnight Star. There was this article that said, Millions To Be Made In Suede.
I had myself an idea of how I was gonna be rich. I was gonna watch Jeopardy an then learn about the stuff that they ask about an then win myself a whole lot of money on the show which I would use to start my suede bidness. I watched this one episode where they asked bout zilofones, Jamaica, Renaissance, Pot Pouri, The Brady Bunch, an Eucalyptus. Since I dont know what most of the stuff is, I just studied Jamaica an Brady Bunch.
First, I watched a marathon of Brady Bunch an let me tell you, it is a bunch of crap! They is about ten people in one house an they is only one bathroom an no toilet even. An they is always gettin along with each other. I would have rather watched anythin else but that, but I had to learn so I could win on Jeopardy. Next, I took a visit to Jamaica. It was okay except they is all wearin somethin in their hair called goldy-locks or somethin. An they is listenin to music by Bob Marley. It is okay I guess. They made me a tie die shirt afore I left.
So now that I was a expert on Brady Bunch an Jamaica, I went to try out for the Jeopardy show. They aks me some real hard questions bout Jamaica that I git right away, an so they let me go on the show.
So there I was, Leutenint Dan was in the audience. There was big lights an stuff an I am gettin scart when Art Fleming hisself comes out. Would you believe it? The whole time, there wasnt one question bout Brady Bunch or Jamaica! However, they is some questions bout pot pourri. Maybe I shouldve studied that. Well, I went blank an lost the game. Everbody, even Don Pardo, was lafin at me.
After they threw me out of the studio, I looked at that Midnight Star paper again. I read the article again. I had messed up! It said that to make millions in suede, you have to come up with some new suede product. So, I is walkin home, tryin to come up with a idea. I stop an watch this polka band playin on 45th Street. I liked listenin to the polkas on 45. They is good an they give me a great idea: The Suede Accordian Case!
Well, you wouldnt believe me if I told you, but they became the latest craze. I startid makin them in different colors, then Dan startid helpin me. Then they done startid a whole factory of suede accordian covers. I even went on this Mr. Popeil show, where Mr. Popeil was helpin me sell my product by givin away all kinds of free crap with it. The article was right! I was a millionaire in no time!
I even startid this suede store called King of Suede where I sold just suede stuff. There was this place next door called Willies Fun Arcade that I would go to an play Pac-Man when I wasnt workin. I loved that game. It soon startid another addiction which was quickly ended when my company bought Willies an turned it into a movie theater which is stupid cause movies aint got nothin to do with suede.
By the way, you know who I saw at the suede store one time? It was Jimmy the Geek from high school. We were friends in high school, except nobody liked him on account of his being such a big nerd. Only now he is rich an famous an got a dance studio an everbody be callin him Diamond Jim. I dont get it tho, cause he still looks like a geek.
Anyway, about the movie theater, the first thing we show is a film bout this boxer who goes broke an starts a deli. Its not like the old boxin movies where they is just a bunch of fightin. There is only one fight scene and that is when Rocky beats up some customer on account of he wants white bread, but they only serve rye or keiser.
The second film we show is a 3-D movie called Nature Trail to Hell where this maniac chps up a bunch of kids when they is at camp. It was pretty good. Soon after we showed that film, the people who seen it startid to complain that the suede smelt like cheez whiz. I think those people has got they noses on backwards, but anyhow my suedin bidness is forced to shut down an I am again, out of a job.
Hope you like it!
Coming soon......Chapter 3: How I Saved The World