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Alfred Gump

Postby Bruce the Duck » Wed Aug 27, 2003 6:08 pm

Elvis gave me the okay to do this, so here goes:

Several years ago (1996) I wrote a story called "Alfred Gump." It is basically a story about Forrest Gump, the title character from the book and movie of the same name. If you've read the book, or its sequel "Gump & Co." you know that it is a book about Forrest going through countless wild crazy adventures, and interpreting life in his own unique way. My story, inspired by Al's song "Gump," follows Forrest through some new adventures, all dictated by the music of "Weird Al" Yankovic. As you will see from the first chapter, the story line flows along using the titles from Al's songs, chronologically beginning with the first album, as key points.

In this thread I will share with you one chapter at a time. Originally, I wrote the story to cover the songs through BHD, but now I will continue the saga to cover the material from RWS and PH. I really hope you enjoy the story! Please comment on it!

IMPORTANT NOTES BEFORE YOU READ:

There are a couple things I want to point out before I post the story. First, is that I wrote the story in the style of the Winston Groom novels, "Forrest Gump" and "Gump & Co." In those novels, Groom uses intentional poor spelling and alternate pronounciations to reflect the unique southern dialect of Forrest Gump. I am staying true to the style of the books and using the broken English of Gump (Don't have a heart attack, OE :P) If you want to know how the character sounds when he talks, watch the movie for an example. Also, in the original novels Groom occasionally uses MILD adult language. In staying true to the style of the books, I have occassionally used such language, but it is used very mildly and unoffenssively. There is no such language in the first chapter, but you will see what I mean later in the story. If, however, you feel offended by that language, please PM and I will edit it.

And now, without further delay, I present to you....

ALFRED GUMP!!!
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Postby Bruce the Duck » Wed Aug 27, 2003 6:12 pm

ALFRED GUMP
The music and madness of "Weird Al" Yankovic through the eyes of Forrest Gump

by Bruce the Duck



Special Thanks To:

Al Yankovic
Winston Groom
Robert Zemekis
Tom Hanks
Jon Schwartz
Steve Jay
Jim West
Al's keyboardist, whatever his name is...
Dr. Demento
and Elvis (Dave Rossi)

[/b]
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Postby Bruce the Duck » Wed Aug 27, 2003 6:15 pm

Some quotes to wet your appetite:

Al is like a box of chocolates, You never know what you're gonna get.


Weird is as weird does.


Taco grande shrimp, shrimp lasagna, balogna shrimp, shrimp on rye or keiser, shrimp with the white stuff, potatoes an shrimp, shrimp spam, shrimp pot pie, green eggs an shrimp...


That's all I got to say bout that.

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Postby Bruce the Duck » Wed Aug 27, 2003 6:20 pm

Chapter 1
Meeting Ricky Ricardo and Lisa Frump


Did I ever tell you bout the time I saw a live tapin of the I Love Lucy show? It was this one where Ricky Ricardo is doin a show an Lucy wants to be in it, but Ricky won’t let her. So Lucy an Ethel come up wit a plan to git Lucy on the show. They say it is a new episode, but I am thinkin that I has seen it afore. Anyhow, after the show they let a bunch of us come up an meet Mr. Desi Arnez hisself. While I am waitin in line I think no one’s watchin so I pick this big piece of snot right out of my nose. So I’m waitin in line with this big ole piece of snot on my finger an I can’t shake it off. So when I git to the front of the line, I kind of hide it behind my back. Mr. Arnaz asks me, “How are you, sir?”

Well, I didn’t know what to say, so I just showed him my finger an said, “I gotta boogie!” He must’ve passed the frase onto some of his music friends cause some time later, people is ritin songs called disco that is about boogies. Why anyone would rite a song about snot, I do not know.

By the way, before that show started they gave us little bowls of Rocky Road ice cream, which I liked very much. That is what started my addiction to Rocky Road. I couldn’t stop eatin the stuff. It was so good. I ate it all the time. Then in about March, they startid this contest. There was about 27 tickets inside boxes of Rocky Road ice cream. And sure enough, I won! The prize was a life-time supply of Rocky Road ice cream and a trip to England to visit Buckingham Palace.

First, I gotta say, the whole trip was a bunch of crap! I dint even see Big Ben or the London Bridge. I just had to watch the princess and prince get pictures taken of theyselves and drink tea. Also, they stuffed me with that ice cream so much that now my addiction is cured. The prince said somethin to me, but he must’ve been talkin in chinees or somethin cause I couldn’t understand what he is sayin. That’s all I got to say bout that trip, except that somethin funny happind on the plane back. I am eatin the peanuts when I realize that it is my birthday. I kinda get too excited and shout to everone that it is my birthday. Right then, a man decidid to hijack the plane an I am getin scart. I am thinkin of runnin but there is nowhere to run to. So what I do is, I dump my last carton of Rocky Road ice cream on his head an he falls own an the guard people take him somewheres. Everbody is saying what a hero I am, but when I git home, I is not so lucky.

I am comin home in a taxi an I see that they is towin my car away. I just jump out an start chasin the tow truck all over town. Since I am such a good runner, I finally catch him. It turns out that I spent all my money on Rocky Road an now I is broke an can’t pay for my car inshurance. I start walkin home an about half the way I stop at this deli an get some balogna to eat. You know, you never know ho good bologna is until you’re flat broke. That is what startid my second addiction. I startid workin all the time at Big Roy’s Heating and Plumbing just so I could buy bologna. Also, I saved some money so I could pay off my dept. I kept telling them that the check was in the mail, but they don’t believe me. So, they is threatenin to sue me an I just say to them, “Get in line.” Cause now a whole lot of people is tryin to sue me. The people at the tee vee studio want to sue me for showin Ricky Ricardo my snot, the contest people want to sue me cause I called the Prince and Princess fakes, the airport is suin me for spillin Rocky Road on the plane’s carpet, and even Big Roy wants to sue me cause he thinks I am stealin supplies, which is stupid cause who would want to steal a lousy plunger?

So after everone is done suin me, I haf to find myself another job. An I am takin the bus everwhere now. I was a real crummy bus. It was all hot an the people smelled like somethin terribul. One time I am sittin next to this guy that smells like balogna, which is what stopped my addiction. Another time there was this freaky guy kinda like the folks Jenny Curran used to hang around with. He was wearin all kinds of weirdo clothes an green sun glasses. He asked me what my sign was an I don’t know what he meant by that so I just showed him that thing they do on Star Trek. The next time there is a girl named Lisa Frump. We startid to date, but then she got mad cause she says I am concetid. I guess this is true since I am always telling her bout my life an bout how groovy I am.

We broke up, but I still went to see her father, who was in this iron lung thing. I went to the hospital ever day just to see him on account of I ain’t found no job yet. I talk to him bout stuff just like I talk to you, but he just makes some stupid noise cause he can’t talk. One day somethin bad happind: Mr. Frump died! That’s all I got to say about that.
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Coming soon...Chapter 2: The Suedin Bidness
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Postby Bruce the Duck » Wed Aug 27, 2003 7:28 pm

Chapter 2
The Suedin Bidness


All of a suddin I git real depressed an I wouldn’t eat or drink or nothin. Leutenint Dan came over an he is tellin me to eat, but I am just too sad on account of Mr. Frump dyin to eat. Besides, since I ain’t eatin nothin in a few days, all my food has gone bad. So, Dan, he takes me to the grocery store to get more food. While we is in the register lane, I am tellin Dan, “Lisa lef me an I am broke an Mama an Bubba an Jenny an Mr. Frump has all died. All I have lef is you, Leutenint Dan.” Then afore Dan could say anything I saw this tabloid magazine called Midnight Star. There was this article that said, “Millions To Be Made In Suede.”

I had myself an idea of how I was gonna be rich. I was gonna watch Jeopardy an then learn about the stuff that they ask about an then win myself a whole lot of money on the show which I would use to start my suede bidness. I watched this one episode where they asked bout zilofones, Jamaica, Renaissance, Pot Pouri, The Brady Bunch, an Eucalyptus. Since I don’t know what most of the stuff is, I just studied Jamaica an Brady Bunch.

First, I watched a marathon of Brady Bunch an let me tell you, it is a bunch of crap! They is about ten people in one house an they is only one bathroom an no toilet even. An they is always gettin along with each other. I would have rather watched anythin else but that, but I had to learn so I could win on Jeopardy. Next, I took a visit to Jamaica. It was okay except they is all wearin somethin in their hair called goldy-locks or somethin. An they is listenin to music by Bob Marley. It is okay I guess. They made me a tie die shirt afore I left.

So now that I was a expert on Brady Bunch an Jamaica, I went to try out for the Jeopardy show. They aks me some real hard questions bout Jamaica that I git right away, an so they let me go on the show.

So there I was, Leutenint Dan was in the audience. There was big lights an stuff an I am gettin scart when Art Fleming hisself comes out. Would you believe it? The whole time, there wasn’t one question bout Brady Bunch or Jamaica! However, they is some questions bout pot pourri. Maybe I should’ve studied that. Well, I went blank an lost the game. Everbody, even Don Pardo, was lafin at me.

After they threw me out of the studio, I looked at that Midnight Star paper again. I read the article again. I had messed up! It said that to make millions in suede, you have to come up with some new suede product. So, I is walkin home, tryin to come up with a idea. I stop an watch this polka band playin on 45th Street. I liked listenin to the polkas on 45. They is good an they give me a great idea: The Suede Accordian Case!

Well, you wouldn’t believe me if I told you, but they became the latest craze. I startid makin them in different colors, then Dan startid helpin me. Then they done startid a whole factory of suede accordian covers. I even went on this Mr. Popeil show, where Mr. Popeil was helpin me sell my product by givin away all kinds of free crap with it. The article was right! I was a millionaire in no time!

I even startid this suede store called “King of Suede” where I sold just suede stuff. There was this place next door called “Willie’s Fun Arcade” that I would go to an play Pac-Man when I wasn’t workin. I loved that game. It soon startid another addiction which was quickly ended when my company bought Willie’s an turned it into a movie theater which is stupid cause movies ain’t got nothin to do with suede.

By the way, you know who I saw at the suede store one time? It was Jimmy the Geek from high school. We were friends in high school, except nobody liked him on account of his being such a big nerd. Only now he is rich an famous an got a dance studio an everbody be callin him Diamond Jim. I don’t get it tho, cause he still looks like a geek.

Anyway, about the movie theater, the first thing we show is a film bout this boxer who goes broke an starts a deli. Its not like the old boxin movies where they is just a bunch of fightin. There is only one fight scene and that is when Rocky beats up some customer on account of he wants white bread, but they only serve rye or keiser.

The second film we show is a 3-D movie called “Nature Trail to Hell” where this maniac chps up a bunch of kids when they is at camp. It was pretty good. Soon after we showed that film, the people who seen it startid to complain that the suede smelt like cheez whiz. I think those people has got they noses on backwards, but anyhow my suedin bidness is forced to shut down an I am again, out of a job.
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Hope you like it! :)

Coming soon......Chapter 3: How I Saved The World
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Postby Bruce the Duck » Wed Aug 27, 2003 8:40 pm

Chapter 3
How I Saved The World


So there I am again, walkin my lousy self home, not knowin what’ll happen nex. When I git home they is a man there who says he is from the hospital wherer Mr. Frump stayed. He says they are being shut down if they don’t git a doctor. So I aks why they want a idiot like me an they say they saw me with Mr. Frump an besides, they is desperate. So I say okay an become a doctor.

My first patient is some nut who is always sayin stupid quotes an idioms an stuff. I think the surjery went good cause he’s gone an they is givin me all kinds of money. On the way home that day, I am passin by this pet store, so I decide to just go in an git myself a new pet duck. I taught that duck, who I named Bruce, a lot of neat tricks. Like washin my car an stuff.

Also, the woman that sold me the duck was good ole Lisa Frump. When I told her that I was a rich doctor, she came back to me. Would you believe it? After a while of the duck poking at Lisa, she got mad an said she didn’t want to see me no more an I kinda got mad an told her that I didn’t want to see her no how an that I couldn’t sand one more minute with her scrawny little neck. At this, she got even madder, as you could imagine.

Well, back at the hospital, there is this new patient that was a little midget with big ears an green skin. His name is Yoda. I brung this little shot that I was supposed to give him He didn’t want the shot so what he did was just lift up his hand an the tee vee flung off the wall an hit me in the head. But he was an okay fellow I guess. One time, he even taught me how to swing around on trees, just like that George of the Jungle on tee vee. The only problem is ever time I try to do the trick, I end up crashin into a tree.

Anyhow, I am scheduled to do an important surjery for Yoda, but it was not a success. Yoda died. Because of this, I am fired an the hospital is closed down.

So no that I ain’t no doctor no more, I am just doin the George of the Jungle impression for kids’ parties. It made me pretty good money, I guess, but the kids would all just laf at me. Until one day some aliens start attackin the whole world! Everone is panickin an the army is fightin them off. They is a bunch of green slime creatures in a shuttle outside my window one day while I am practicing my tree swingin. I missed the tree an crashed into the space ship by mistake. This made the aliens get real scart an go back to outer space. For this, the government is callin me a hero an givin me a whole buttload of money an all of a suddin I am rich again an Lisa Frump is back!

The day she came back I took her to lunch. If I learned one thing from Lisa, it is that girls really love to eat lunch. That’s all they wanna do. Eat lunch. I been addicted to lots of things, but I think girls is all just addicted to lunch.

Anyhow, this is the life, being rich as heck! I got myself bout a million cars an I even got a guy to chew my food for me. And another to chew Lisa’s lunch. I even got my own movie theater where I watch movies like Rocky, Empire Strikes Back, Nature Trail To Hell, an this Michael Keaton movie called “Johnny Dangerously.” That last one was a real good movie. It’s much better than that Batman crap he did later. Also, for the first time, I got this great big cable television set. I has found myself a new addiction. I was watchin tee vee all day an all night. I watched cartoons, sports, sitcoms, talk shows, mysteries, news, gameshows, westerns, soapoperas, MTV, an ever thing you can think of. But one thing really got my attention. It was the Polka Channel. It was 24 hours of polka music, just like that band I saw on 45th Street. Once again I have got myself a new addiction. I have become a polkaholic. Now this particular addiction got me into a whole lot of trouble. Yessiree!
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Coming soon......Chapter 4: Life as a Polkaholic
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Postby Bruce the Duck » Thu Aug 28, 2003 5:15 am

Chapter 4
Life as a Polkaholic


Now there I am sittin in the tub, watchin the Polka Channel, when they show this ad for a Polka Dance Contest. I got excited an called up right away. This turned out to be a big mistake, cause this contest is what got me my hernia. First of all, they make you fill out all kinds of forms to be in the contest. It remindid me of when I was in the suedin bidness an had to work in a big office with this stapler, some white-out, an a box of stale jelly dougnuts.

Now, I really like jelly dougnuts, but you can not eat them everday. So, I startid eatin somethin healthy: Potatoes! This became another addiction for me. I was uncontrollable. I ate all kinds of spuds. Mashed spuds, French fried spuds, spud chips, spud salad, spud cake, spud soup, spud omlete, spud cookies, spud sandwiches, sweet spuds, cherry spuds, orange spuds, apple-spud sauce, spud pancakes, hash browned spuds, spud pizza…an that’s about it.

Anyhow, it was the day of the contest. When I woke up, I fell down the steps an tripped over my cat. I just knew right then that it was gonna be one of those days. So, I go to the Polka Party Contest an when we is all dancin, I kind of do this crazy twist an fall down. When I wake up at the hospital, they say I has got a hernia an can’t walk good no more. I couldn’t bowl, play tennis, run, play football, or even play table tennis. It reminded me of when I was a kid an had them braces on my legs to help me walk.

Well, when the hospital finally let me out an finished takin all my money, I went home an found this message from the NBC channel that says they want me to be on the Tonight Show an tell about how I saved the planet from the alien invasion. Well, I am waitin in the back an Mr. Ed McMahon does his famous “Here’s Johnny!” introduction an Mr. Johnny Carson hisself comes out! He tells some stupid jokes about President Regan, then he introduced me.

“Tonight,” he says, “I have the pleasure to welcome the man who saved us from the alien invasion, Mr. Forrest Gump.” Everbody is clappin an I is walkin all dumb with my hernia, an sit next to chubby. First, he is askin about my suede company, an Yoda, an my George of the Jungle impression, an how I got rich savin the planet. Then he starts askin bout what my plans are an I tell him that I am not sure on account of I got a hernia in a polka contest an had to spend all my money gettin it fixed.

Well, now everbody is lafin at me an I feel like a big idiot, which I am. Even the big fat Ed McMahon is chuckling louder than ever.

Well, when I git home, Lisa tells me that there is a crismis party in a few weeks an that she boughta new pair of shoes for it. Now I tell you, I’ve seen some ugly shoes, but these were the ugliest I have ever seen. Mama always said that you can tell a lot about a person from their shoes. Lisa must’ve been the screwiest sombitch in the world cause those shoes is just so ugly. When I tell her this, she gets mad an hits me in the jaw, which caused me to lose all my teeth! But luckily I had enough money left over to git them fixed, so I am not a toothless person for too long.

I kinda felt bad about telling Lisa how ugly her shoes were an about gittin my teeth kicked in, so I rite her a song telling her how much I kinda love her a little bit an how she is good enough, at least for now, that is. Well, can you believe it? I sang the song for her crismis present an she left me right then! So now, I is goin to the crismis party myself an I am just so upset that, well, I just decided to blow up the whole place. I shouldn’t have done it, but I was really upset. That insidint is what caused me to be placed in the mental institushin. An let me tell you, that was no fun at all!
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Coming soon....Chapter 4: From the Nut House to the Poor House
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Postby Bruce the Duck » Thu Aug 28, 2003 5:51 am

Chapter 5
From the Nuthouse to the Poor House


I was in the mental home for a very long time. It was real boring. There was nothing to do all day but eat. So soon enough I is big as the Good Year Blimp. They said I was the fattest nut they ever had.

After a few weeks in the place, they sent me to therapy. Dr. Jackson is the shrink an I lay down on his couch an he wants me to tell him my dreams. So I tell him bout my dreams about gettin stuck in a closet with the host of that game show we is always watchin bout 7:00. That is bout the only show they let us watch cept Jeopardy. We watched Wheel of Fortune an Jeopardy everday. An ya know what? They still ain’t had no questions bout Brady Bunch or Jamaica yet.

Anyhow, Dr. Jackson thinks I is nuts an tells me that a good way to deal with problems is to rite songs or poetry. Well, since I am a idiot, I don’t know what poetry is so I write a song. I sand it to Dr. Jackson an he says it’s terrble. I tell him that it is real hard to write a song on account of I could only think of six words.

Well, one time while he is askin me bout what I see in a blotch of ink I got all frustrated an tell him that he’s makin me nuts. The whole stinkin place makes me wanna stick a pitchfork in my brain. Just about that time, a differint doctor is offerin me a chance to leave the hospital early if I take part in a revolutionary new surjery called cloning. I agreed to do it. At first I thought they is gonna turn me into a clown an make me work in a circus. But I soon learn that they has made another me. Now there is 2 Forrest Gumps, except I call the new one Forrest 2. Now, why they’d want to clone a idiot , I do not know, but Forrest 2 looks exactly like me.

After they let us out, me an Forrest 2 startid a restaurant chain called Lasagna Twins with the money they gave us. We served Italian food. Well, our restaurant is doin real good an we is gettin all kinds of customers. One lady that comes in a lot is named Melanie. One day, when I is lookin out my winder with my telescope, I can see a woman takin a shower in the Gailmore buildin next door. An would you believe it was Melanie herself?

Well, I went over an told her that saw her nekid an asked her if she wanna go out some time an git lunch. I think this must be the only girl that doesn’t like lunch, cause she slammed the door in my face. Well, I keep on askin Melanie out an ever time she rejected me. One time, she finally let me talk to her an I is tellin her bout my life an how rich the Lasagna Twins company is an all of a suddin she asks me to marry her. Well I do, an was I sorry! About a week later, she is sayin that I ain’t satisfyin her an that she wants a divorce.

She took almost all of my money in alimony. About all I had left was my velvet Elvis picture, which is very important to me an she knows this so she lets me keep it. It’s important to me cause Jenny gave it to me when she was still alive. Plus it’s good for coverin up the big old hole in the wall of my crummy apartmen I got to live in. Also, she let me keep this crummy game called Twister. I don’t think I ever played it afore, an I didn’t know what to do with the mat, so I just used it for rappin paper.

Well, after awhile, I got tired of running the restaurant, so I give the company to Forrest 2 an go live with Leutenint Dan in a cabin in the woods. Well I tell you, those were the good old days. Dan would be makin breakfast an I’d be thinkin up new ways to torture Melanie to pay her back for rippin me off. I finally did come up with a revenge, but I’ll tell you bout that later.
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Coming soon.....Chapter 6: How I Met Seymore
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Postby Bruce the Duck » Thu Aug 28, 2003 6:35 am

Chapter 6
How I Met Seymore


Now don’t go no where cause that wasn’t all of my greatest adventures. More things hit me soon enough. Yessiree, there were shore more. A lot of times when we was livin in Dan’s new cabin I would go out into the big green medow. Now Leutenint Dan, he is always tellin me not to on account of there might be wolfs in the medow, but I tell him that I haf to go to see my new friends. They is Billy the Bird, Leo the Cat, and Bruce the Duck (I named him after the duck I had when I was a doctor). Dan says I is crazy to be friends with wild animals, but I don’t mind. Also, just past the medow they is this burger restaurant an on Teusdays Bob the Janitor plays polka music there, an you know how much I like polka music.

Well, all went well for a while till one day when we met Seymore. He is a wolf, like Dan says. I dint understand why my friends were so scart. To me it was just a dog. Shore he be growlin at us, but I figger that’s how he says hello. But Bruce, he gits so scart that he accidently leaped into Seymore’s mouth. I saw a feather stikin out of Seymore’s teeth, so I went on home an got some of Leutenint Dan’s dental floss.

When I returned, Leo had the wrong idea an startid tyin up poor Seymore. About that time, some hunters be comin an they think that it was me that captured Seymore. The next day, they throwed us a parade. Everyone was there. Billy, Leo, Seymore, Leutenint Dan, Bob the Janitor, the hunters, Bruce (only now he was reincarnated as Shirley Macclaine), some kid named Peter, the world famous composer Wendy Carlos, an even Lisa Frump, who was so proud of me that she came back to me!

After the parade, one the hunters suggested that we should take the wolf to the zoo. And another said we oughta take him to Disney World. An so that’s how it all startid. Me, Seymore, an Leutenint Dan, an a guest got to go to a new theme park ever year for free. But the catch is that these are new theme parks an we is like the guiny pigs. So anything that goes wrong will go wrong with us instead of payin customers. An believe me, a lot went wrong! But I’ll git to that later.

First they is takin us to a new zoo where they got all kinds of weird animals. We saw iguanas an sharks an poodles an amoebas an alligators an pigeons an aardvarks an cockroaches an vultures an snails an hummingbirds an about 27 other animals. We even saw a unicorn, which is strange cause I thought they was just a mith.

Next, they sent us to Euro Disney, like Disneyland in Europe. Let me say this – it is a bunch of crap. Ain’t nobody ever went there all the way up till the day they shut it down. When I came back home, I got me a job workin at the burger restaurant with Bob the janitor. It was an okay job, but it was nothin like the job I got next.
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Coming soon....Chapter 7: I Git My Own Tee Vee Stashun
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Postby Bruce the Duck » Thu Aug 28, 2003 4:18 pm

Chapter 7
I Git My Own Tee Vee Stashun


Now let me tell you bout how I got myself my own tee vee stashun. It startid when I returned from EuroDisney an saw an episode of the Beverly Hillbillies on the tee vee. I was so tired from my trip that I just sat an watched all night an all next day. After Beverly Hillbillies, which is about some cowboy who gits rich an moves to Beverly Hills, they is a movie called Gandhi 2 about a bald guy who punches up people an shoots em with this big ole gun.

Now I is so rapped up in television that I missed the news. The past few days they has been yet another alien invasion. This time they was giant hamsters attackin the country. Anyhow when I was outside pretendin to be Gandhi, I accidently punched one of them hamsters an they all fled away. This time, however, they did not give me a reward, just a cruddy trofy. Well, I was almost cured from my tee vee addiction, but when I got home one day, Lisa was watchin Gilligan’s Island an when I sat down to watch with her, I couldn’t stop watchin. I think I like Gilligan the best cause he is a idiot like me.

Bob the Janitor called me an said we has been fired from Burger World on account of I has been watchin Gilligan all the time an he has been playin accordian concerts an we both been missin work. Now, for money, Bob is playin accordian music as a openin act at Rollin Stones concerts. Since he is openin he gits me in for free. Now this one concert in Boston is what changed my life forever. After it was over, I met up with my aunt, who happened to be at the concert too. I tole her bout my misforshin an damn if she ain’t convince uncle Harvey to let me be the manijer of his tee vee stashun, channel 62.

So now, me, Bob, an a janitor named Stanley Spadowski done gone an startid our stashun. Well, we startid with some little shows like “Wheel of Fish,” “Secrets of the Universe,” “Uncle Nutsy’s Clubhouse,” an “Those Darn Homos,” but the channel wasn’t doin any good an Lisa done lef me on account of I forgot her birthday. I is so depressed, that one time on Nutsy’s Clubhouse, I just get up an leave in the middle of the show and leave Stanley in charge.

Well, when I return, damn if Stanley ain’t turned the whole stashun round. All of a suddin they is people comin in an callin to meet Stanley an we git a whole bunch more good shows an pretty soon we is the highest ratid channel in bout the whole world. Just bout the time I am makin it big they is this other channel, channel 8. An the boss is none too happy bout our success. His name is R.J. Fletcher. What he does is he offers to buy channel 62 from Uncle Harvey. Harvey agrees cause he needs money to pay off Big Louie, who is a gamblin nut. But my aunt got mad at Uncle Harvey an so she says if I can raise $75,000 in two days I can buy the stashun instead of Fletcher.

Now, I thought about gettin into the suedin bidness or the restaurant bidniss again, but finally what I do is start a telethon where we try to sell shares of the company to raise money. Meanwhile, the kidnap Stanley an I dress up as Rambo an save him. Also, Filo the scientist at my stashun, he video tapes R.J. Fletcher sayin how the community is dog snot an crap like that. He shows the tape to people an soon ain’t no one watchin channel 8 no more. So when our telethon is almost over, Fletcher comes an tries to stop it. At the last minute, who should show up but Big Louie wantin his money. We is still a couple thousand short of $75,000. We is listenin to Fletcher talk an uncle Harvey is panickin when who should show up but Leutenint Dan hisself, only now he is a bum. He offers to buy $2,000 worth of shares an that’s how I bought the stashun back.

Well now that Uncle Harvey’s dept is paid an Filo has gone back to Zarcon an R.J. is broke an Lisa Frump done come back to me yet again, I is getting sick of the tee vee bidness. But Lisa says for me to stay, so I do.

Leutenint Dan, besides all them shares he has bought a rolex watch an a pig. He says he bought her from a guy on the street sellin pigs with a big sign that said, “Let Me Be Your Hog.”

After the telethon party was over me, Dan, Wanda (that is the pig), an Lisa gone on home. Lisa drove. An let me say this, she drives like crazy! I thought I would throw up all over Wanda. I guess girls drive like that on account of all that lunch makes em sick, which is what I was about now.

When we finally crashed into a tree outside our house, I felt miserable. I hated myself so much like I was just a worthless scum suckin idiot. I felt like blowin my head off, but Dan suggested we should go bowlin instead, which is what we did. After we was finished, I went across the street to Spatula City an bought Bob the Janitor a spatula to thank him for all his help with the tee vee stashun.

The next day, after they was done tapin Stanley Spadowski’s Club House, I gave the spatula to Bob along with the deed to channel 62. He was so excited he is bout to bust. He invited me an Lisa to dinner an gave us spam sandwhiches. Let me tell you, that stuff is good! I could’ve ate a ton of spam. I went back to Big Roy’s Heating an Plumbing an ate spam there too. Ever where I went I was eatin spam. I even joined the Spam Fan Club. This went on for a while, but then I got two weeks off work for a vacation. So I decided to take another one of my free guiny pig vacations. So the next day, me, Leutenint Dan, Lisa, an Wanda (she gits to go free on account of she is a pig) set off for the Biggest Ball of Twine in Minnesota.

Now let me say this, the Twine Ball is just bout the most amazing thing I has ever seen. It is bout the size of a mountain. I asked this guy to take a picture of us an he done run away with my camera. The best thing bout the trip is I got to see ole Seymore again. When I saw him I was bout to bust, but then he starts makin trouble. When we git up close he tried to touch it. Well, I tried to pull him back, but I stumbled an accidently pulled down the ropes which was holdin it in place. The whole Twine Ball went rollin away! Everone was chasin me out of the place. They was gonna kill me for sure, so me an Dan an Lisa an Wanda an Seymore hopped on a train that was headin to Seatle, Washington. Later on the news, I heard that they had stopped the ball somewhere in North Dakota. Also, the Spam Fan Club kicked me out of the club, which is what ended that addiction. For a while we just hung out in Seatle. We just listend to tapes of Ricky Ricardo’s babalu music. However, we soon startid makin music of our own.
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Coming soon.....Chapter 8: Why Bob Saget Is Mad At Me
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Bruce the Duck
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